Her Mistake
by hopeintheproles
Summary: Something happened to Jackie and she’s become a new person. JH. Pretty AU on Jackie’s part.
1. And all it's changes

Chapter 1

No one had seen Jackie in a while, she wasn't hanging around the basement and for some reason people were getting worried.

Eric was the first one to speak.

"Alright, is it me or is something different with Jackie gone."

"I know what you mean" said Donna "It's like, without her constant nagging it's not the same anymore. It's weird, I kind of miss it"

Hyde spoke up "I sure as hell don't miss it, it's been quieter, I like that" With his trademark smirk.

Donna got up and said "I'm gonna go call her and ask if she wants to come over"

And with that Donna proceeded to the kitchen. Back down in the basement though…

Kelso said "Man, now Jackie's gonna come nag us all, it's been fun without her. Damnit it man."

And the others quietly nodded their heads. Before anyone could say anything else Donna came back down and sat on the couch.

"She's gonna come over now cuz I told her we we're worried about her"

Rounds of

"Peachy"

"Swell"

and "Damnit" were heard.

In about 15 minutes someone was heard coming down the stairs and everyone turned their heads, what they saw shocked them. It was Jackie, but it wasn't. She looked pale and skinny, like she hadn't had a good meal in a while, and all she wore was jeans and a black t-shirt. Very un-Jackie-ish.

Jackie quietly walked over to the couch and sat in between Hyde and Fez. Everyone just stared.

Jackie cleared her throat and said "Umm, hey guys" That got everyone out of their reverie and they all shouted questions.

"Jackie what's up with you?"

"Why are you so pale?"

Jackie just looked around at everyone and silently cleared her throat. And spoke up

"Well, I just didn't really feel like wearing pink today, I don't know I….I…..umm, feel different?"

Apparently that was a good enough response for everyone stopped asking questions.

Jackie's POV:

'Alright, good, they've stopped with the questions I don't think I could handle any questions. I'm just…..I need time to tell them, but should I even tell them at all? What will happen if I just keep this up, I can't keep going on like this, it'll be the death of me.

END.

Everyone was silently watching t.valthough, everyone was wondering what was going on with Jackie, because by now Jackie would've been talking up a storm.

"So Jackie how was you're trip to New York?" Donna asked in a slightly amused tone. But noticeable by everyone was the fact that Jackie tensed up and went even a little paler if possible.

Jackie quickly recovered and put on a false smile "It was…..great, ummm a lot of shopping and…..ummm, yeah. A lot of fun, but really I got to head home I'll see you guys later."

And with that Jackie quietly walked up the stairs and out of the house.

Leaving everyone even more confused, and slightly worried.

A/N: Sorry the next chapter will be longer and more updated on Jackie's situation. But I will not be revealing her secret just yet, but it will be pretty obvious what happened. Please leave a review, I like to know if I'm doing something right, you can flame if you want, but I'm a pretty sensitive girl : . Thanks, Alexa.


	2. The world won't stop it's spinning

Chapter 2

As Jackie walked home that night she felt the tears flowing down her cheeks. She felt cowardly and dirty, all she wanted to do was sleep. Plunge into her warm covers and forget that the world even existed, but nothing is ever really that simple anyway.

She approached her house, and thought to herself 'Jeez, I can't even call it a home, no on is probably there.' And she was right, no one was there. Not even the maids, but Jackie was used to it all, and things weren't the same anymore, Jackie wasn't the same anymore. She didn't feel like the fun, giddy, peppy, and annoying girl she used to be, she felt like she was looking out on herself, watching her very own drama take place, and not being able to do anything.

Jackie's P.O.V

I want to tell them, I want to tell anyone really, approach a random stranger and pour my heart and thoughts out, but I can't. Whenever I try to speak my voice gives out and I'm left there, mouth wide open and no thoughts. And I'm caught feeling, because all the memories of that event flood back to my mind and I want to cry, or punch, or blame someone. But I can't because it all comes back to the fact that it was my entire fault. And right now, all I want to do is sleep.

End Jackie's P.O.V

The next morning Jackie woke up, her lips were dry and cracked, and she had a headache. 'What a way to start out the day' Jackie thought miserably. Making her way down the lengthy and gloomy hall, she went down the stairs and entered the empty kitchen. She reached into the cupboards and got two aspirin and some water, and downed it all.

She figured she couldn't avoid the basement gang all day and decided to just go and face the inevitable. Jackie walked over to her closet and tried to pick out something a little but Jackie-ish, but the best she could come up with was a purple tank top, jeans, and some black flip-flops.

And at that Jackie walked off in the direction of the Foreman's, suddenly not caring about…….everything or anything, just a mindless drone of who she used to be.

When Jackie got to the basement she found, to her surprise, that no was there.

Jackie's P.O.V

Oh, this is good, nobody is here, and I can just sit here. The less they see of me is probably for the better, besides they don't normally want me here anyway, it won't matter to them. I don't matter to them.

End Jackie's P.O.V

Jackie was so caught up in her own thinking that she didn't even notice Hyde had come downstairs, sat down in his chair, and was watching her.

"Uh…..Jackie?" Hyde asked curiously.

Unaware of his presence, Jackie jumped.

"Oh ahem hey Stephen." Jackie replied quietly, her throat was sore, she needed some water, she suddenly remembered she forgot to eat 'oh well' she thought.

Hyde warily turned on the t.v and watched her as she stared at the wall behind the t.v, obviously thinking again. Hyde had never seen her like this, so out of things, so cold and lost. She would normally be chatting non stop about the mall or cheerleading.

Hyde decided to do something about her silence.

"Hey Jackie is something wrong?"

Jackie stared at the wall for a little while more until she slowly moved her head in his direction and gave a small forced smile.

"No Stephen, I'm okay." And she slowly resumed her gaze at the wall.

Hyde gave out a sigh, got up, and sat closely next to her, and he noted the way she tensed up and her eyes got wide.

"Come on Jackie, I know something's bothering you, ever since you got back from New York, you've been different."

Nothing. She just looked at the wall and stared, still bug-eyed.

"What happened in New York?"

Nothing.

"What happened to you in New York." He asked gently, surprised at the gentleness of his own voice.

Abruptly, Jackie stood, turned to him and opened her mouth to say something, but just closed it again. She looked confused and hurt, but most of all she looked pained. Unable to decide whether or not to say something.

Jackie looked down at him, to the wall, to the door, and the time confusion written on her face, but nothing came out. Slowly she walked out of the door and made her way home.

A/N: Next time: Jackie and Hyde's thoughts with some of the gangs of course.

Please RR, constructive criticism and comments welcomed.

Alexa


	3. They will watch and turn

Chapter 3

Jackie was gone and everyone was back in the basement. Hyde sat in his chair and focused on today's events through the discretion of his sunglasses.

Hyde's P.O.V

What was going on with Jackie today? I know something went really wrong in New York, but what? And why do I even care? This is Jackie, or was Jackie.

End P.O.V

Donna brought him out of his thoughts.

"Hey Hyde, have you seen Jackie today?"

Hyde looked over at Donna and let out a loud sigh.

"Yeah, she came by today, I was the only one here."

Eric let out a laugh

"Oh Man! I'm sorry, alone with the devil."

"ERIC!" Donna screamed "Was she okay?"

Hyde spoke with caution "No, she was even worse than last night, she was hardly talking, I tried to talk to her cuz she was really, really, really quiet. She wasn't even talking about the mall or cheerleading."

Everyone let out a gasp.

Hyde continued "I know it's pretty bad, when I sat beside her she tensed up and wouldn't look at me. Something happened to her in New York, and I don't know, but whatever happened, it was probably really bad man."

Everyone looked a little shocked, but to no one's surprise Fez was the first one to speak.

"My poor beautiful little flower, maybe she will be so overwhelmed with grief that she will run to me"

Everyone held a small sad smile, but nobody said a word.

Jackie

As Jackie entered her house she quietly walked over to the couch and sat down. But there were no more tears, she had cried them all out, all that was left was Jackie Burkhardt, a shadow of her former self. A living, breathing, sleeping, human being; however the emotions she no longer possessed. Tired of all the drama Jackie walked out the door and wandered aimlessly, letting her feet carry her and her thoughts flow.

For how long Jackie walked, she didn't know, all she knew was that she ended up at the mall. 'Why not?' Jackie thought, as she ventured inside.

Inside a place that once felt so homey, she felt lost and out of place. Jackie walked in and looked around. Not really eager to shop, Jackie walked over to the bench and sat down. And there they were, hundreds of people, thousands of lies, secrets, and truth's waiting to surface. Jackie wondered if any of them were as juicy as hers. She watched a little boy beg his mother for a toy until she gave in. She wondered if the mother was happy. She watched two different lovers, two Goths, decked in black, tattoo's, and piercing's, and two prep's, fully clad in the latest designs. She wondered if they were in love, and if appearance affected love. She saw a girl wandering the mall staring straight ahead. She wondered if she was like herself.

Tired of observing, Jackie got up and walked in to a random store, she forgot the name, something like Shelly's or Amanda's. Jackie had 20$ to her name. What could she buy with 20$? Jackie left the store, shopping just wasn't an option anymore. It wasn't an escape; she couldn't pretend to be okay anymore.

Sighing, Jackie sat down on the old, smelly bus. Something that would of bothered her before, but now felt like she belonged to it and in it. Jackie decided to head for Donna's. She really didn't feel like seeing anyone but she had to keep up appearances didn't she? Hyde had almost gotten in, and he was just Donna's friend, what would happen if her best friend got it? Jackie shuddered at the thought. The bus came to Jackie's and she got off, walked a little, and came to the house of Donna.

Tiredly Jackie ringed the door bell and was greeted with the face of Mr. Pinciotti

"Well hello there Jackie, I bet you're lookin' for Donna, she's over at the Foreman's."

"Thanks Mr. Pinciotti."

Jackie sighed and went into the basement for the second time that day. She didn't feel as disturbed anymore, it was pointless to feel like that anyway, _it _happened, and there's nothing I can do about it. People move on, it's been done before, why am I having trouble being strong then?

Jackie walked in the basement and sat on the couch between Fez and Eric. The conversation immediately stopped. 'Well at least they're not obvious' Jackie thought sarcastically.

Hyde leaned forward in his chair when Jackie came in to the basement, curious to see how she was doing. He got a glimpse of a Jackie with her guard down, confused and hurting, and she reminded him of him, how he used to feel. And he wanted to be the one who could help her.

"Jackie, how are you, we heard from Hyde you were acting strange and unlike yourself" Donna asked with obvious concern.

Jackie sat quiet for a little while 'Quick, think Jackie think, tell them what they want to hear'.

"Yeah, I'm okay I was just being weird this morning, I went for a walk and I'm fine now." Jackie said, plastering on a smile.

'Good, just act normal and put on a smile every once in a while, they'll never know the difference.'

Apparently this was good enough for the gang as they all nodded their heads and went on reading magazines and watching t.v. But Hyde noticed that soon after they all turned their heads, Jackie's smile fell right off her face and once again she was staring at the wall. She was playing them all, keeping her secret deep inside, and Hyde knew it was slowing eating her away. Slowly claiming her sanity and chasing her up the walls, leaving her stranded. It's a terrible way to go.

End Chapter 3.

A/N: Next time, what happens when someone gets too close? I also wanted a readers input, do you want Jackie to get sort of emo and start cutting herself, OR continue on? Cuz I have tricks up my sleeve if she's kept regular, you choose.


	4. She see's and has to speak

Chapter 4

For a while now things were okay for Jackie, nobody asked questions and she was left in her silence and staring. However the one person who didn't seem to let go was Hyde. He would always send her these looks as if trying to figure Jackie out. Jackie wasn't too fazed by this, she would just close her eyes and watch the pretend world on her eyelids, it was great for passing time.

It was Saturday evening, Eric and Donna were playing tonsil hockey, Fez was watching them, and Kelso and Hyde were watching Charlie's Angels. Jackie sat next to Kelso on the couch, but suddenly everything was too much, the room was too small, and everything was too intimidating. Without a word Jackie walked out of the basement and on to the streets. It was a warm July evening and the warm, setting sun on Jackie's face was comfy. She didn't know where she was going, she never knew anymore, now she just let her feet carry her. Jackie found herself at the park, a place she was deprived of as a child, her mother always said it was a place where 'dirty children' played. Back then that all made sense, but now, she felt she belonged here.

The park was empty, caring mothers usually brought their children in at this time, to save them from the unsuspecting horrors that are the night. Jackie sat down on the swing and lazily rocked back and forth, letting her head sag. As a child, everything made sense, you were always given a G rated version of the world, so life was always considered grand. People figured that as you got older, you were able to handle more, and slowly, your rating went from G to PG to PG-13 to when you don't know what to think of the world. Sometimes people need to understand that some of us don't want the grown-up truth, that we would all like the child version. Because what children have, is the one thing adults lack the most. Hope.

Jackie looked up from the dirt ground and stared in to the setting sun, and knew that things would always be different now. She couldn't be a part of the basement gang the way she could have before, and she couldn't be the Jackie she was known as before. Because she was sick of lying, and sick of dreaming, and sick of depending. But it all came down to the fact that Jackie was just sick in general.

An angry tear found its way to the trodden ground before her. And soon, there was no more light, not because the sun was set but because someone was standing in front of her.

Jackie looked up and found herself staring into the clear blues of Stephen Hyde. Hyde kneeled in front of her, not once breaking eye contact, and wiped away the tears. Jackie looked down in to this and saw pity, to her dislike, and understanding and faith. Hyde spoke firmly and truthfully.

"I know you're hurting, and I know it's deep, and while you choose to not let anyone in let me tell you ahead of time that that is a big mistake because I have been there, and if you don't let anyone in, you will slowly but surely lose any sanity you thought you had claimed before. Now I don't know how deep your scars run here, but let me tell you, whether it be me, Donna, Foreman, Fez, or Kitty, you need to tell someone. Take the time you need to heal, but I've seen you, you're a ghost of your former self. Telling someone might be the way to recovery."

After Hyde was done talking, he waited for Jackie's reaction. At first it was just an open-mouthed wide eyed stare, but she soon closed both her eyes and mouth and let out a shaky breath.

"It runs deep, deeper than the shallow person I am." She let out another shaky breath, someone hesitant but relieved to let it out. "But I'm trapped, and I won't ever be the same Jackie again, it's impossible….after….hurt, and……and pain…..I just…..can't." The tears were coursing their way down her cheeks and Hyde took the small Jackie in his arms and she collapsed to his chest letting out shaky breaths and hot tears. This was all new to Hyde; he had never been this emotional with anyone, let alone a girl. But Hyde felt she was his responsibility, and only person who could understand.

After only a few minutes of crying Jackie crawled her way out of his grasp and stood up, dusting off her already dirty pants. She was holding herself back and closing up again. It happens when people get scared.

Jackie looked up in to Hyde's eyes for only a second. She had to look away, those eyes made her want to tell him everything, and the look he gave her only made her want to cry. So Jackie did the one thing she knew best; she walked away.

Hyde was not going to settle for that, he quickly caught up with her and stood in front of her.

"Jackie, come on, why do you keep hiding yourself back here. Why aren't you letting anyone in? Why?"

Jackie's tears were long gone by now and anger quickly filled its place.

"Where do you get off telling me what's right? What the hell do you know about me-" Hyde cut her off.

"Nothing! I know nothing, because you won't let me in-" Jackie in turn cut him off.

"Because I don't want you to know! Why do you care? You never cared before! Why start now? Why?" Jackie was now close to hysterics.

"Because I know exactly what you're feeling because I've been through it"

Jackie glared at him in the dark "I don't think you fucking know what I've been through!"

Hyde crossed his arms "And what have you been through Jackie?" Hyde asked hotly, but immediately regretted them.

All she came out with was an anger filled "Fuck. You" And she escaped into the night.

Hyde dropped his head and dragged out a frustrated sigh. Before turning around and walking home.

The next day, the whole gang was in the basement. Ready to sit down and relax when Jackie came through the door. Hyde immediately jumped up and walked over to her; he looked her in the eyes and spoke.

"Jackie, I'm really sor-" But what made stop was not her mocking laugh, or hand in his face. But the fact that her eyes suggested she didn't care. They no longer held anger or tears, they held……nothing. What had happened to her?

Jackie just stared at him and took a seat beside Kelso on the couch. Hyde slowly walked back to his normal chair and sat down. Flustered beyond belief. However, Jackie was starting to feel nervous, Kelso was looking at her. With those hungry eyes. Jackie had once liked those hungry eyes, but all she felt now was fear.

End Chapter 4

A/N: I really want to thank DanHyde girl for the great reviews. Next time: Someone gets even closer, what happens to Jackie? And she will not be cutting herself ; .


	5. The tears and tears of life

Chapter 5

He was close now, too close. Jackie's breathing got quicker, but she kept her eyes on the wall. Maybe if she kept her whole body still, Kelso would be stupid enough to think she wasn't there.

"Hey Jackie you're looking pretty hot tonight."

Jackie tensed at the lust in his voice. She has once heard a voice like that. Hyde saw her discomfort.

"Kelso man, she's wearing a baggy shirt and jeans."

The room erupted in "Burns" and laughter. But Jackie paid no mind to that because Kelso was now advancing. And suddenly, everything was different, Jackie no longer knew that it was Kelso approaching, just the fact that it was a body. She felt an arm around her shoulder, searing hot fire. So she did the one thing she remembered she could do. Jackie screamed.

Jackie fell to the floor and burst in tears, shaking her shoulder with heavy sobs, she kept repeating "Don't touch me, don't touch me. Oh God, please leave me alone." Memories burned her mind.

Everyone was shocked by Jackie's outburst that only Hyde responded. He moved to the ground and brought her to his arms. Jackie banged on his chest in a weak attempt at fighting. She kept crying and saying "no." Hyde grabbed her wrists and tried soothing her "Jackie shhh, come on it's me Steven, I won't hurt you, I won't hurt you."

Jackie stopped her banging and resided to strong and heavy sobs. Hyde decided to avoid the questions. He gathered her up in his arms and took her outside the basement and on to the driveway. He brought Jackie on to the cement steps. Hyde lightly put her down. She was shaking now and heavily breathing. She had calmed down.

Hyde was in front of her, although she still kept her head on his shoulder, slowly gaining her composure. Once she was in control, she lifted her head and looked into his eyes, she spoke first.

"I snapped in there, I don't know what happened, please don't ask, I'm….I'm not ready…….I can't……I don't know how….."

Jackie needed to say something, only she didn't know how. Hyde saw her struggle but kept quiet.

"I don't know how….to be….normal anymore, sometimes I feel everything and…..and sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. And I'm scared, because I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know if I'm acting normal or if……or if I need help, or…." Jackie sighed. She had said enough. She looked down at her hands, afraid to look in to his eyes.

Hyde took Jackie's face in his hands and made her look at him. "I know that I never cared before, and that I don't really have a motive to care now. But I do, I care a lot. Because I have known hurt, fear, and confusion, and I know it can tear you up inside. Would you let me help you? Could you maybe in the future trust me enough and let me in?"

Jackie sat in a few seconds silence before nodding her head, giving him a slight smile, and resuming her head on his shoulder. Hyde in return wrapped his arms around her, and both couldn't help but think 'This feels right'. And it scared them both to pieces.

After about an hour and a half, Hyde has taken Jackie home and waited until she had fallen asleep, it didn't take long, she was mentally and physically exhausted.

Hyde stepped into the basement to see everyone was still there. It didn't surprise him, the group has come to like the little pixie in their own way.

Hyde sat down in his chair and waited, and not long, before he was bombarded with questions.

"Hyde! What the hell is going on with Jackie?" Donna screamed "We've been worried as hell for the past two hours!"

"Donna I don't exactly know what's going on with Jackie, all I know is the only one she will let it so far is me." Hyde explained.

"You? Why you? You guys hate each other." Eric asked in obvious confusion.

Hyde sighed deeply "I don't know man, we're both alike you know. Both have been hurt and confused I guess."

Donna looked apologetic "So what happened to Jackie, the way she reacted, it was scary."

"Something happened to her in New York, something really bad. It will take time for her to open up and trust anyone, let alone me. She's in a lot of pain y'know? She doesn't know what to feel, or if what she's feeling is right."

Donna sat down in shock "Oh my god, poor Jackie. And I-we, didn't even notice or do anything."

Eric piped in "Yeah, is there anything we can like, do to help? I mean, is she depressed or something?"

"No, she's not depressed, she's just there, not really living as much as she should be. She just feels helpless. But you can tell, that y'know, she blames herself, for whatever she's going through. I think right now, all she needs is trust and comfort with no questions asked. She's not ready for questions. It's too soon."

Everyone say in an uncomfortable silence.

"Well then, I never would of thought you and Jackie would be friends, that's super weird." Eric stated. Hyde leaned back in his chair "Well we're not exactly friends, but I never would of thought it wither, besides this Jackie is completely different from the one were knew before."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Hyde, not wanting to be lulled back into an uncomfortable silence, stood up and left for bed. What a day it had been.

Jackie

The next morning Jackie awoke, she sat up confused, but quickly landed on her pillows with a sigh as she remembered. 'Steven promised me trust, but what do I do when he finds out. He will probably think I'm dirty or disgusting.' Flustered already, Jackie slipped out of her bed and walked into the kitchen. Her feet making a soft padding noise as the heat made her feet sticky. Jackie took out a glass and gilled it with water. She slowly walked over to the bathroom. What she saw sickened her.

It was Jackie, but it wasn't, her usually bright eyes were dull with nothing. And empty sight. Dark bags surrounded them. And her face was pasty and pale. She stepped on the scale. 98 pounds. 'Shit' Jackie thought, lately she had been forgetting to eat, apparently she hadn't noticed. Once again Jackie walked to the kitchen, pulled out a granola bar and made her way back to her room. She reached her room and disposed of the granola bar wrapper and crossed her bedroom and into the bathroom. Jackie pulled off her PJ's and stepped into the shower. Jackie washed herself and hair and came out of the shower, she sighed, she never came out feeling clean. After she towel-dried her hair she went to her closet. 'Something baggy' The lasting Jackie needed was people on her back about her health and weight. Right now, being invisible was deliciously appealing.

It was a beautiful day today, perfect 75 degree Sunny with a few clouds weather. Jackie took to sunning in the backyard. She didn't quite feel like visiting the basement just yet. She needed time to think. Jackie switched onto her stomach. She always needed time, it was never on her side, her constant struggle against the clock. It was enough to drive her insane. Luckily she had friends, true friends, she has Steven……Steven. The thought of him made a small smile appear on her face.

'Steven, being with him feels so right. But we barely know each other, and my secret, my torment. He doesn't need a girlfriend with baggage. Hell, he doesn't need a girlfriend period. I don't need anyone right now, letting someone in would be stupid, what if I get hurt? I couldn't handle that. GOD! I don't know what to do anymore!'

Jackie got up from her porch and walked, she walked past the lavishly decorated dining rooms that held false happiness and were hardly ever used, she walked past the living rooms, parlor's, spare bedrooms, and bars, until she came to the main hall. There it was, on the wall. 6 pairs of eyes, 3 smiles, a million meanings, a million lies. Jackie quickly walked up to the frame and picked it up. She glared at her father "I hate you!" Jackie yelled.

She looked at her mother "I despise you! Where was the love mom? The helpful advice, the loving stares? Where did they all go! Were they ever there?" Lastly she looked at herself, and calmed down, the tears, hot, angry, passionate, fiery, hurting, feeling tears, cascaded down onto the frame. "AAHHH!" Jackie screamed, hurling the frame at the wall, watching her family being torn into pieces, her truth arriving. Nothing was there, she had to build on herself. And it was that point and time Jackie Burkhardt started healing.

End Chapter 5

A/N: Jackie and Hyde get closer, but hesitation ensues.

I also know that my reviewers are wanting to know Jackie's secret. It will be revealed in chapter 7, I think.


	6. And she will tell her what she knows

Chapter 6

It was time; she had to go to the basement. They would all be there looking at her like she was a mutant. Would she be able to handle that? Jackie would have to; she had been staring at the basement door for the past 5 minutes. 'Alright, just breathe……breathe, Alright, I'm ready.' Jackie took a step and quietly said "Come what may."

Jackie walked in the basement and immediately met with red hair, and a feeling like she couldn't breathe. Jackie finally realized Donna was hugging her.

"Oh ummm, hey cough Donna. I can't wheeze breathe." Jackie voiced out. The red head backed off and said "Are you ok Jackie? We were all so worried! What hap-" Donna decided to let that last question go for now, after seeing the looks Hyde gave her. Jackie gave a small smile. "I'm actually alright, I'm better now."

And for once it was the truth. Granted, Jackie was far from normal. But she was on her way. Jackie made her way over to the couch and sat next to Hyde. He gave her a quick smile, and she gave one back in return.

Abruptly, Eric stood up.

"Guys! Can we actually like, do something……….let's go to the pool! Yeah, just the 6 of us, it'll be great!"

Donna smiled "Great idea Eric, I wouldn't mind going, Hyde?"

Hyde smirked. "Not at all. Kelso? Fez?"

Both Kelso and Fez shouted simultaneously "Ladies in bikinis!"

They gang laughed and started to get ready, all wandering off in different directions.

Hyde turned to Jackie on the couch "You gonna go Jackie?"

Jackie thought for a second before replying cautiously "Yeah, sure…..it would be nice to get out right?" She turned to Hyde.

"Yeah, it's good for you. Listen I'll just get some stuff and then I'll drive you over to you house so you can get some things K?"

Jackie nodded and Hyde went into the back room. 5 minutes later Hyde came out with a small bad "Ready to go Jacks?"

Jackie smiled at the nick name he chose, and leapt off the couch. They both came on to the driveway to see Eric and Donna ready to go. Hyde walked up to them. "Foreman, I'm taking Jackie to her house so she can get her stuff, give us half an hour alright man." Eric nodded and said "Cool, we'll just wait for Kelso and Fez."

Jackie was leaning casually against the side of the El Camino. Hyde opened the door, got in, and unlocked Jackie's side. Soon, they were off. The whole car ride was in silence, other than the sounds of AC/DC on the radio. Jackie sat tensely in the front seat. She had never expected her relationship with Steven to get to this. He wasn't calling her a rich bitch princess and she wasn't calling him a scruffy dirt bag loser.

The car came to a stop in front of the huge mansion. Jackie cleared her throat "Umm, you want to come in while I get some stuff?"

"Sure"

They walked into the house, Hyde noticed its emptiness and wondered how Jackie could stay here every night. Jackie saw his wandering eye.

"Yeah, so try and make yourself at home and feel free to wreck anything, while I go upstairs." And the pixie soon disappeared up the stairs.

Hyde smirked at her words and looked around. He walked over to the wall and looked at the frames and portraits. Row upon row or schmucks smirking back at Hyde. Until Hyde saw one missing and looked around. He walked over to the opposite wall and bent down, Hyde saw the picture in pieces and glass scattered everywhere. Hyde stood up and frowned, he saw a hole in the wall. Jackie obviously had thrown the picture in place of her angst. He couldn't help but relate with the broken family, each child abandoned.

Jackie

Jackie placed her two piece in a bag, along with shades, a beach towel, and tanning cream. She was about to go downstairs but instead grabbed a baggy t-shirt and stuffed it in bag.

She made her way down the stairs and didn't see Steven.

"Steven?"

She heard a "Coming" in the direction of the family portraits. Jackie wondered if he saw the picture. Hyde came along and they both the isolated house.

At the Pool

Jackie couldn't get out the Vista Cruiser any faster. Kelso and Fez sang "This is the Song that Never Ends." The whole ride, even after many froggings and complaints.

"God Kelso, you just had to sing!" Hyde yelled.

"Jeez, Kelso, no wonder you got kicked out of choir in 3rd grade." Eric said.

Everyone burst into laughter, and Kelso just walked off with an infuriated "Whatever man."

While everyone was finishing off laughing, they all went in to the bathrooms to change.

Jackie

Jackie walked into the stall and peeled off her clothing, and slowly slipped on her two piece. She sighed, she really didn't want to be here. Jackie looked down at her stomach in disgust. It was a reminder, cruel torture device that would remind her how filthy she was. Jackie grabbed the baggy t-shirt and pulled it on with a deep breath. Jackie walked out of the stall and over by the pool. (A/N: Later chapter will reveal her 'stomach issue')

Jackie was the last one there, Donna gave Jackie a weird look.

"Jackie, what's with the t-shirt?"

Jackie shrugged "It's no big deal, I don't want to burn." And she sat down on the lawn chair, trying to play cool and innocent. Hyde gave her a weird look, but everyone else just played it off as something 'Jackie-ish'. While everyone proceeded to get wet n' wild, Jackie say, and furrowed her eyebrows. She was going to have to tell them soon. It was time. But Jackie, she couldn't, not until she herself over it and ready. But would telling everyone be the final step to recovery? She couldn't be completely okay until her truth was out? Time was never on Jackie's side.

Hyde came over and sat down on the chair next to Jackie.

"Something wrong Jacks?"

Jackie gave a small smile to Hyde but spoke shakily "Steven, could you just take me back to my house? Please?"

"Yeah of course Jacks, let's go get your stuff."

And so, Jackie waited in the car, while Steven explained to everyone that Jackie was just no feeling well. Oh yeah, Jackie was going to have to tell them real soon if she kept dishing out these excuses.

The drive home was relatively quiet, Jackie just kept her eyes on the road ahead contemplating her dilemma. And Hyde kept his eyes on the road as well, occasionally throwing Jackie concerned looks. Looks, she managed to miss, too caught up in her ordeal.

Hyde pulled up to the front of her house, got out, and helped Jackie out, something he never imagined her would do.

They arrived at her front door and Jackie opened her to say something, but instead closed it. She took a step forward and hugged Hyde, burying her face in his chest and inhaling his intoxicating smell. Words were not something she needed right now, she needed support and relief, she needed to feel safe. Something she always felt when it came to Steven. Hyde in turn wrapped his arms around her and hugged her closer, and rested his chin on her head. Not needing an explanation. Just feeling. Feeling how perfect they molded together, how understanding wasn't needed with words, and how things felt so right.

Jackie lifted her head from his chest, and Hyde placed a lingering kiss on her forehead, Jackie closed her eyes in bliss, feeling his warm lips on her cool skin. Jackie reached up slowly and took off his sunglasses, she looked into his eyes, they were hypnotic, and Jackie always lost her senses in them. Hyde slowly leaned down and stopped an inch away from her lips. Hyde looked into her eyes and they were begging him to do what she couldn't, close the gap. And so he did, he captured her lips in a sweet kiss. Warm vibrations swept through them both, each other's taste was deliciously inviting. Jackie placed her arms around his neck and Hyde brought his hands to cup her face. The kiss was slow and passionate, something the two had never experienced, but they couldn't get enough. Jackie fingers clenched in his curls, and Hyde bit Jackie's' lower lip in his teeth, gently sucking it, Jackie gasped when she felt his tongue but graciously invited him and teased him with her own tongue. Caught up in their passionate lover affair, Jackie dropped the sunglasses she previously held in her hands. It made a loud CLACK on the ground, breaking the two apart. Jumping away from each other.

They both just stared at each other, both afraid to say anything. Jackie silently backed up and went into the house. She dropped down on to the ground. Oh yes, Jackie was in some deep shit.

Hyde bent down and picked up his glasses. He walked to his car, got in, and just sat there. He had jut had the most sensual make out session in his life, with a girl he had never even thought about that way before. But now, he couldn't forget that kiss, she managed to put every emotion she could into that kiss, and the weird thing was that Hyde put in the same emotion. Hyde and emotion just don't run together in the same sentence, he was a badass Zen master! And turning into a pansy!

Flustered beyond belief, Hyde drove back to the Foreman's. He entered the basement and went straight to bed, ignoring all the "Hey's" "How's Jackie's" and "What's up's". It had been a hell of a day and Hyde was in deep shit.

Jackie

Jackie got up from the door and walked to her bedroom. That kiss, that kiss was the most passionate kiss she had ever had compared to all Kelso's kisses combined. It wasn't a lust filled kiss, it was a kiss filled with raw emotion, adoration, tenderness, adoration, and……love? God, Jackie couldn't deal with love, how would she know if this was love? All her love was stripped of her when she went through denial. It was all too much for Jackie to handle. She went straight to bed.

End Chapter 6

A/N: Next chapter: confrontations, phone calls, and yup! Jackie's secret is revealed! Alright, so the next chapter is the most important, so it will be the longest. I'm expecting it to take 3-4 days. And after her secret is revealed the story will continue. I really want to thank my reviewers, they are really, really, encouraging.


	7. Through sweet redemption

Chapter 7

The next morning, Jackie lay awake in her bed. Not one minute that night did Jackie sleep. Sighing tiredly and wearily Jackie got out of bed. It was 11 o clock, she had never 'slept' that later before. Jackie made her way down the stairs and was about to go into the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Jackie stopped when the knob was in her hand, she took a deep breath and opened the door. Hyde was standing was standing there, Jackie kept her mouth closed but opened the door wider signaling him to come in. Jackie led him to the kitchen.

Jackie sat on the counter and Hyde stood in front of her. He spoke first.

"Did you………feel anything in that kiss?"

Jackie closed her eyes, opened them and looked down, as if ashamed. This was the question she was dreading.

"I felt everything. I've never been kissed like that before, it was…..amazing, and I………liked the fact it was you I was kissing." She said in a small voice, the last part was almost a whisper.

"But the thing is, is that no matter how much I want this or you, I can't have it. I'm not good enough, I never will be." There were tears rolling down her face by now.

"But Jacks, what are you talking about. You're more than enough, if anyone isn't worthy it's me, not you" He wiped her tears. She took his hands.

Jackie was sobbing now. "But don't you get it, I lie and I'm not a good person for you. I'm snobby and I'm selfish and everything you hate."

Hyde took her face in his hands. "Jackie, you're not the same person, and even when you were, it made you, you."

Jackie jumped off the counter and started to yell. "God! Don't you get it Steven! I'm. Not. Good. Enough! I mean, I'm used to this pattern I have. You see everyday it's my schedule to have things not make sense in a way it makes sense. And then you come along and you show me everything I've never had. You show me trust and compassion and understanding, and you almost make me feel like I deserve it, like I deserve better. That I could get better and move on! But I can't, I can't because here you are bringing a better person out of me, and I'm scared! I'm scared to death. Because I don't know how to be myself anymore, and I'm scared because I like you more than I should. But I'm so scared of trusting you and letting you in because what if you don't like who I am, and what if I get hurt again. And then I have all these thoughts running over in my mind, and I just get so tired, so tired of it all because I'm not Jackie anymore. And I'm mad, so mad, because Jackie was fun, and proud, and strong, and confident. But now I can't stand the look of myself in the mirror, I disgust myself. Because I let this happen to me. I was a fool. And I was blind, so blind, I didn't see it coming."

She was talking in tears about something Hyde didn't know, she was so angry at herself. Because she spoke with her heart, and her heart was breaking.

Jackie was hunched over, one hand on the counter, steadying herself, one covering her face. Hyde walked over to her and took her face in his hands. She looked up at him, tears running down her face. Hyde wiped them away.

"Jackie, I don't know what happened to make you think this, but I care for you. And yes I'm scared of that too. I've never cared for anyone except the Foreman's. Everyone else has left. I pretty much learned not to care and its hard opening up that part of me again."

Jackie brought her hands to hold Steven's hands that were still on her face.

"But I would be willing to learn Jacks would you?"

Jackie looked up at Steven and wondered if she would really be willing.

Jackie took her hands out of his and he frowned, but soon enough Jackie had wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in to a tender kiss. They broke apart and Jackie said "I'm willing, but it might take a while a while, a long while. Is that okay?"

Hyde smiled down at the girl, no woman, in his arms. She was broken. But so was he, and they fit. They fit so right it had to be wrong.

"Its fine Jacks." And he gave her a sweet kiss on the lips.

However all good things must come to an end, Hyde had work to go to, and Jackie wanted to see Donna. Their days were looking bright.

AT DONNA'S

Jackie walked up to Donna's house with bit more cheer than usual, and a bit more like her old herself. Jackie knocked on the door.

"Jackie hey! What's up? Wanna come in?" Donna asked quickly.

Jackie laughed and said "Hey Donna. Nothing's up. I was actually wondering if you wanted to go for a walk?"

"Sure"

The two ladies were walking down the street.

"Donna, listen, I know you're a bit upset at how secretive I'm being, but this is a really sensitive subject towards me, and I need time. You know? It's too soon. It's not that I'm choosing not to let you in. It's just how I am right now."

"Jackie, it's fine, yeah I'm a little hurt but it's nothing I can't respect. Besides, you get cozy enough with Hyde."

Jackie laughed a little nervously. They arrived at the park.

"Donna let's sit down, I need to tell you something."

They both sat at the park bench.

"Steven and I kissed two days ago, after the pool. And we talked about it. And I think we're together."

Donna was shocked. "Wow, Hyde? Are you sure, he's never seemed like the relationship type."

"Neither did I, but I guess we have an understanding with each other."

Donna just nodded, and then turned towards the small girl. "Wait, you think you're in a relationship?"

"Yeah, well, he didn't actually say we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but he told me he cares about me though."

"Well, that's a lot coming from Hyde." Jackie nodded at that in understanding.

"Besides, I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship." Jackie sighed. Weren't things ever simple anymore? Apparently not. Jackie stood up and hugged the red haired girl.

"Thanks Donna, I really appreciate this, but I have to go."

The red head stood up and replied "It's no problem Jackie, I'm here anytime you need me."

And the two parted ways.

The next day, Jackie heard a knock on the door. She put her book on the couch and answered the door. "Hey" She said timidly, why was she acting like a shy little school girl?

Hyde walked in and turned to face Jackie, he took off his glasses and placed them in his jacket. Hyde caressed her face and then ran his thumb over her bottom lip. Her breathing slowed. He leaned down and tenderly kissed her. He pulled away, Jackie smiled up at him. It was more of a reassurance, they would be ok.

They both settled on watching a move, not really wanting to do anything. Hyde sat on the couch, and Jackie sat next to him. The movie started. Jackie sighed and placed her head on his chest. Hyde's arm quickly came around her shoulder. After about 30 minutes through the movie the telephone. Hyde paused the movie and Jackie got up to get it.

Jackie

Jackie reluctantly got up and went to the phone, she picked it up and said "Hello, Burkhardt residence, Jackie speaking."

"Do you know how hard it is to find you?" A cold voice drawled.

Jackie gasped and froze. 'No it couldn't be him.' Everything felt cold around her.

"I would love to see you again my darling."

Jackie fought back the tears that were aching to fall. Her voice was breaking.

"What do you want?" It sounded like a plead, a beg not to hurt her. What could he possibly want? He already took what he wanted. And she was doing so well.

Hyde was standing behind her, concerned and curious.

"Why are you calling here!" It was a half scream, half cry.

"What more do you want from me? What?"

He let of a cold, long laugh "My darling, once is never enough."

Jackie let out a strangled cry. She choked through her words "It was more than enough!" She slammed the phone down, and turned to run. But was met with Hyde. He wrapped is arms around her, and Jackie cried and cried nothing but heavy, anguished tears. And it broke Hyde's heart.

"Jackie, I gotta know what's wrong. You're dying inside. God Jackie, I hate seeing you like this. Who was that guy? Please Jackie you gotta let me in." He held on to her harder, and she cried harder, trying her hardest to push her heavy, throbbing, guilt out in one go, escape as much as she could. But no avail, she had to go the hard way, by telling Steven. Her tears came to a stop and she drew in a breath to steady herself.

"Steven, I will tell you, but you can't interrupt me. And once I tell you, you have to promise you won't leave me because of it, can you do that?"

Hyde looked at his tiny, fragile, pixie and replied "Of course Jacks."

Jackie nodded and led them to the couch. She breathed, it was a long story.

"When my grandmother called me and invited me to New York to stay with her I was excited beyond belief. I thought it was a chance to make myself noticed and make an impression. I arrived there with a notion that I would be charming, strong, nice, flirtatious, witty, and liked girl by everyone, absolutely everyone. Whether I had to be witty, intelligent, charming, fascinating, or just adorable I was going to be it. My grandmother was hosting a huge party that night, and it was perfect for me to meet people. So I got dressed up in a real nice dress that said everything: Elegant, charming, beautiful, and fascinating. The party was a huge success and so was I, I had been introduced to everybody and anybody, and I was perfect tot hem all. Figuring out who they were and becoming a person they would like. Many guys asked me out. I said no to them all. I sort of wanted myself to be seen as something unreachable, it was a stupid idea. But this one guy, middle aged, a big cigar company owner. Real hot-shot, was not used to the word no. So he would always send me flowers, chocolates, tickets to cruises, and he would keep asking me out and I kept saying no. One night I met up with some girlfriends and we went out clubbing. I had about 3 beers, I wasn't drunk, just a little buzzed. My friends dropped me off ay my apartment, and I made my way up to the apartment. I reached the door and it was already unlocked. Being buzzed I didn't think anything of it, I just figured I forgot to lock it. So I went into my bedroom, and there was something on the bed. It was a note with words 'Turn around' on them. So I did and he was there" Jackie closed her eyes, trying to burn the memory from her mind.

"God I fought so hard, I kicked and I screamed and I punched. But it didn't matter. He hurt me over and over again. And after he was done, I remember he just got up and left and I was just left there, lying on that bed. But it was that look after he finished that held so much pride, like he won an award, and I couldn't help but blame myself."

Hyde took her in his arms, he felt so much pity and hurt for her. He only wanted to take it away, by any means. She was sobbing now. "Jacks, he wont ever hurt you again. I can promise you that. Never, ever. I'll help you until can let go and be yourself."

Jackie was still sobbing "But Steven, I can't be myself anymore. I look back on that girl who went to New York, that was me. I'm so scared if I be her again. I'll get hurt again. And I can't get hurt again Steven, I can't" Hyde hugged her closer and rocked her back and forth.

"I know Jacks, I won't let you get hurt, I'll protect you."

And he would, he silently vowed it. He had let a lot of people go, but not her, she was too much like himself. Afraid to be herself again and open up.

Jackie nestled her head in Steven's neck and cried, cried for herself, cried for her future, and cried for her helpless past.

Jackie eventually fell asleep in Hyde's arms. Hyde carried her upstairs and put her in bed, he was about to leave when she woke.

"Don't leave me Steven, I don't want to be alone." In all honesty, it was stupid, but she felt like _he_ would come back if she was left alone.

Hyde crawled in bed behind her and hugged her to himself. It wasn't long before they were both safe in sleep. For now.

The next morning Jackie awoke in Steven's arms. She sighed, she felt so much freer now that she told him. Maybe now she could get better. She looked up at Steven, and couldn't help but smile. He cared for her, and he would help her and they would get better together.

Jackie ran her fingers over his lips. They were inviting and soft. She leaned up and kissed him tenderly on the lips. She pulled back, and his eyes fluttered open. He smiled up at her and pulled her back to him. The kiss was but passionate. Jackie sighed and laid her head on his chest,

"How do you feel?" Hyde asked.

Jackie said slowly and unsurely "Better, or at least I will be." Jackie say and put her head in her hands. Hyde sat up as well and rubbed her back.

"Jacks, what are you feeling?"

She squeaked out "Blame" She was near tears. Hyde uncovered her face and held it. She couldn't help bring herself to look at him.

"Jacks, look at me." His voice wasn't angry or annoyed, it was compassionate and gentle. Jackie met his gaze and she spoke knowing what he silently asked.

"I feel like I shouldn't……feel this way. Like I have no right to be grieving or upset. Because……..it's all my fault this happened. I wanted to be the liked girl, I wanted everyone to like me. I was basically prodding him to do this, because I didn't flat out tell him to go away."

Hyde brought her so she was directly in front of him "Jackie, you gotta know, that not one bit of this is you're fault. No one asks to be raped. Jackie……the person you are now, and the person you used to be are two completely different people. You've matured drastically, but the tragic thing is that when kids are forced into growing up too quickly they tend to lose all sight of reality. Jackie I don't want you blaming yourself because I know there is an amazing Jackie in there who can get better, you're strong Jacks. I know you can be the amazing woman I've learned to care for. I just want to see her in full mode."

Jackie smiled loving at Hyde before tackling him in a hug that made them both fall back on the bed. Hyde laughed heartily before wrapping his arms around her and kissing her. Jackie kissed him back, and quickly sat up. Hyde in turn, sat up. Jackie caressed his face with both hands, she slowly crawled into his lap and kissed him. Wrapping her arms around his neck and her hands in his thick curls. Hyde wrapped his arms around her waist, puling her closer and deepening the kiss. Jackie moaned trailed her hand on his chest, feeling his hard muscles. Hyde ran his hands up her back, and plunged them into her thick mane. Overcome with passion he slipped a tongue in her parted lips and moaned against her own writhing tongue. Hyde didn't want to get too into it, he wouldn't be able to go home. Pulling out of the kiss with a gasp for air, he laid his forehead against her own.

"I have to go." He said smoothly, but regret in his voice.

She pouted "No, you gotta stay with me."

Hyde laughed at her pout "I'll be back tonight, I promise."

Jackie gave a small smile, kissed him longingly, and got off his lap.

Hyde put on his jacket and gave his girl a kiss on the forehead, and said "Bye"

She just smiled and nodded. Damn! He would miss her. But he was out the door.

Jackie flopped back on the bed and heaved a happy sigh. If this was getting better she couldn't help but smile at what recovered would be.

A/N: Wow, that was longer than I thought it would be. But thank you to my reviewers, they were all great! next chapter: Telling the gang and revelations. The stomach issue will be revealed in either chapters 9 or 10. thanks!


	8. You won't have to catch me

Chapter 8

Jackie paced around her living room for what seemed the millionth time. Today was the day, no more putting it off and no more questions and worrying from the gang. She had told Steven, now she needed to tell everyone else. But how would they react! That was what scared Jackie the most. Would they give sympathetic glances, or gather her up in a hug, call her a slut? What? At that moment, Jackie would have given anything to be psychic.

Jackie sat on the couch and let out a shaky breath, things were too different. After she would tell them, they would know why she wasn't the same anymore. Why she acted more mature, why she was distant. Would they pity her? Stay away from her? They would probably stay away, afraid she might have a mental breakdown. There wasn't anything wrong with the new Jackie, she was older, mature, and wiser. She was probably better to be around, better than spoiled, selfish, and annoying Jackie. It would have been a change for the better, if only the change had a better reason. Jackie stopped her pondering to answer the door, which had clearly rang.

It was Steven. Oh, of course it was Steven. The only one who ever came to her house. But in all honesty, she liked it that way. It was nice to have a secret she could keep.

"Hey." He said in that gruff tone, but secretly oozing concern. He had changed. In a good way, but hell! They were both still scared shitless.

"Hey yourself" She gave a small smile, applying a sweet kiss to his lips, and hugging him. He wrapped his arms carefully around the small woman. No doubt she was easy to break. Jackie let out a content sigh, if things could stay like this.

Hyde let go, and walked her to his car. He opened her door and proceeded to his own. The drive was rode in complete silence. Until Jackie broke it.

"Steven….are we…..do….do you want……ummm…to be….what I mean is….are you and I…..in a….relationship?" The last word was said meekly.

Hyde froze, this wasn't the question he was hoping for. Relationship? He had never been in a relationship. They were always falling apart. What if he got hurt as well.

"Jacks, I don't…know. Can we talk about this later?" Jackie turned her head quickly to the window, she wasn't surprised. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with her? She was dirty and foul. He was better, he deserved better. What was she? She was…trash. She said in a monotone voice "It's alright, I understand."

Before he could say anything else, they had arrived and she had quickly gotten out of the car. Aiming for the basement. Jackie walked down the stairs and paused at the door. She felt his presence behind her and walked through the door. Surely enough, everyone was there.

It almost made her want to laugh, they were almost always there. They were so dependent on each other. They could be, they were allowed. Because, none of them had ever let each other down before. Maybe….maybe they wouldn't let her down. Maybe she could count on them to always be there, she had become one of the group hadn't she?

Jackie didn't bother to sit, she took her place in front of the TV and turned it off. She turned around and stood nervously before them. Each one complaing.

"Jackie, man, we were watching Charlie's Angels!"

"Jaacckkie, you're in the way of the hotness, Fez needs the ladies."

"Uhh, Jackie, not that we wouldn't love to watch you but, ooh that's right, we don't"

Jackie smiled at their comments. Something she never would have done before, but it was different now. She knew Eric never meant it when he dissed or burned her, well maybe he did, but not as much as before. Hyde took a seat on the couch, waiting, ready to catch her if she fainted…or something.

Jackie looked at her setting, on the chair to the left of the couch was Michael, Eric, Steven, and Fez on the couch, and Donna on the right of the couch. Her stomach twisted and turned with every breath she took, she didn't know if she could do this.

"Guys, listen, I have something I need to tell you. Umm, I don't know if you've noticed I've been different lately."

Jackie looked down, this was so much harder in real life, and she had a speech ready and everything. Donna looked at Jackie.

"Jackie, does this have something to do with the Kelso incident?"

Jackie looked at Donna, tears present, yet not ready to fall.

"It has everything to do with that Donna."

Everyone now had their full attention on her, waiting to hear the big secret. It was a secret they wouldn't be happy to gossip about, a secret they would all secretly chuckle about with close friends. It was a secret that they all had at the back of their minds, it would make them think. And ponder, and it might hurt them.

Jackie inhaled sharply "When I was in New York, for the summer. Some things happened over there. Bad things, really, really, really bad things."

Jackie cleared her throat and smiled at them sadly. Was she really ready to tell them? She would have to, the water works had started. Eric looked at her shockingly.

"Jackie what happened? You can tell us, we won't tell anyone."

Everyone muttered a "yeah" and "It's okay Jackie"

Jackie looked up from her hands, and said in the smallest voice she could possibly posses. "I was raped."

But it was heard. It was heard because everyone's attention was on her, the silence that overtook the basement, made you think you were deaf it was so quiet. Donna looked like she was about to cry.

"Jackie….you didn't say anything…and, and you just went on like everything was okay? Jackie, are you okay?"

Jackie wiped her tears "No, but I will be. I'm….I'm getting there. Things will turn out for me." Jackie nodded affirmatively.

Donna stood up and hugged her friend fiercely. Jackie hugged her back and replied in a small voice "But…I can't do it alone. I need you, and my friends. Because if anyone isn't going to be there. I would like to know now, I don't like disappointment, especially now."

Donna let go and told Jackie "Don't worry, we're not going anywhere."

Eric got off the couch and gave Jackie a hug, which surprised her greatly, but she welcomed it all the same, she had never gotten a real hug from him. It was nice. He pulled back and said "Yeah, Jackie. Anything you need, but are you okay physically, I really think I should tell mom. She could check up on you."

Jackie shook her head, "No it's really okay. When I came back to Point Place, I went to the doctor's. I'm okay, there were tears. But they healed. I'm okay"

Jackie looked to Michael and Fez who were still sitting. They still had a look of shock on their face, an indescribable look really, almost disbelieving. Jackie kneeled in front of Michael and Fez.

"Guys? Michael? Fez?" They both looked to her and brought her into an enormous hug, holding on to dear life. Jackie laughed into the hug and felt tears of joy and love pour down her cheeks. These people loved her, they wouldn't leave her. They would all help her get better. She would get better. Jackie pulled out of the hug and smiled at them. "Thanks, I really think I needed that." She turned to everyone else. "All of this, thanks."

They all nodded sadly, even with Jackie's bright mood. They still couldn't believe the travesty that was brought upon their own friend. But Donna was getting mad.

"Jackie…how can you….just how can you go on like everything isn't okay? I mean, Jackie….you were raped. How can you move on like everything is rainbows and sunshine." Donna had tears on her face as well.

"Donna, it wasn't easy, it's taken me awhile to get this better. I was such a mess before. But I had Steven. Steven has been such a good friend to me this whole time. He didn't pressure me to answer his questions, he waited until I needed to tell him, until I came to him. I'm going to be alright Donna I swear." Jackie hugged her tall red-headed friend once more, before sitting down on the arm of the couch.

Unknown to anyone, Hyde had cringed when she said "good friend". Is that what he really wanted? Her as just a friend. For once in his life Steven was becoming dependent. He needed to talk to her.

Eric looked from Jackie to Hyde "So what….are you two dating, or like each other."

Jackie cleared her throat and stood up "That's debatable, but listen I have to go. I'll be back tonight alright?"

Everyone agreed, but Hyde stood up and followed Jackie. He caught up to her as she was walking home.

"C'mon Jacks I'll give you a ride home."

"No it's alright Steven, I like to walk now."

"Jackie. Jackie wait." Hyde stopped in front of her.

"Is this about the relationship thing? Because we need to talk about that."

"Steven look" She crossed her arms "I already told you I understand."

"But Jackie, I wasn't blowing us off, I just need time to think about it."

"It doesn't matter, whether you need time or not, we shouldn't happen anyway."

Hyde looked shocked, and extremely confused. "Wait, what? Why?"

"Because, you deserve better, better than me. I'm not good enough Steven. We already went over this, I'm just. I'm damaged goods, you know?"

Hyde looked appalled. "No Jackie, I don't know. And remember, I said you were too good for me. Jackie, whether or not you're good enough, is not the reason. I'm just….I'm scared okay? What's gonna happen to me? Will I get hurt, I mean you know, everyone has run out before, what's going to stop you in the future." Hyde looked down, embarrassed sort of before continuing on "You are the first person I've cared about in that way, I mean, I've never really even told a girl my feelings, because they've never been….because I've never had to deal with caring about someone before."

Jackie felt ashamed of herself, once again, always thinking of herself before others. She hugged Steven with all her might and pulled back slowly to look in his eyes "Steven, do you want to be with me? In a relationship, because we can take things slow, and I don't know, ummm I just want to be with you."

Hyde didn't need to answer, he leaned down and kissed her, passionately. Wrapping his arms around her petite waist, and her arms came around his neck, sinking her hands in to his hair. The two didn't separate for a long while, they had eachother. And at that moment that was good enough for them.

That Night: In the basement

That night, Jackie came around to the basement like she had promised, only to find that no one was there. Jackie looked around and went into the back room. Hyde was there of course, napping. Jackie had to let out a little 'awww' when she saw him. He was completely adorable when he slept.

Jackie slipped off her coat and climbed in with him. He let out a sigh and said "Hey you, you just get in."

"Yeah" was all she said. She snuggled into his chest while his arms came around to her back and waist. Both relishing in the alone time they could get, Hyde let a kiss fall her to forehead, before succumbing into sleep, lulled by her own easy, even breaths.

End Chapter 8

A/N: I know its been a while, but I had finals, then I had writers block. But that is over, Chapter 9 will focus on the stomach issue. And that probably wont be out until Saturday or Sunday. So bear with me. So thanks and please review.

Alexa


	9. Things will be changed

Chapter 9

A/N: I know you must be super pissed at me cuz I haven't written in a wicked long time, but I had major writers block and I couldn't think of how to write this and then I was debating the 'stomach issue' so forgive me. On with the story.

The next morning Jackie woke up next to her boyfriend Steven. Oh, it was still so weird to say it. Especially since this was Steven Hyde. Steven Hyde! He was Point Places' hot badass zen master. It didn't make sense. The Badass and the Cheerleader. Which brought Jackie to another problem. What would she do when school came around. 'Will I be able to cheer? I don't think I want to do it anymore. It was all to be popular. I don't want to be popular anymore.' She though sadly. More than anything now she just wanted to blend in. Become a wallflower and mingle with the other 'sinners' of society. But she was Jackie Burkhardt. She could at least give it a shot again before saying no.

Jackie placed her head in her hands and rested on her elbow staring down at Steven. He was in a deep sleep. She didn't want to disturb him, she knew for a fact that Steven didn't sleep well. He had a bit of insomnia. It was alright, she understood, when she got back from New York, she had insomnia. Always afraid he would come back. So she would write poetry, express her feelings. This wasn't new to her either, she had always written poetry, ever since she was little. But this wasn't her old poetry; all about unicorns and rainbows and how beautiful she was. No this was dark stuff, but in a weird way it was her feel much, much better.

Jackie carefully climbed out of bed and put on her coat and shoes. She gave Hyde a little kiss on the lips and left a note on his bed

Hey, didn't want to wake you. I'll see you sometime tonight.

Jackie.

That was another problem. She if she was her old self she probably would have written love. But now, like Hyde, she had a problem with love.

Halfway to Jackie's house. Another thought stopped her. They were in a relationship. And that meant love. Which meant……

Sex.

Would she be able to do that? Could she handle being like that again? What if they were going to and she chickened out or she would cry in the middle of it. 'No' she thought 'With Steven, when he holds me and kisses me it feels right, he always makes me feel really good' She was still scared shitless about it. She didn't want to have to go in to too fast. It only happened in July. It was August 25th now. It was too soon. It had only been about 5 weeks. Steven would respect that. Right?

Jackie reached her house and picked up the mail and brought it in. Flipping through all the mail she paused on one and cautiously opened it. With a gasp she dropped the letter and backed up to the door. Oh god. Her mom was coming back. Could she tell her mother? Her mother had very old beliefs when it came to her daughter.

Her mother would blame it on her. Telling her she could of prevented it. And she could of, but that was something she really didn't want her mother to say. She wanted a hug and her mother telling her that she would be there for her and make everything better. But Jackie had always dreamed big, this is where it ended. And reality was the only thing left to grasp.

Her mother would be home in 2 weeks, Jackie guessed the younger boy had run out of money or found another sex toy. Placing the letter on the table Jackie walked to the shower and stripped off her clothes.

Stepping into the steamy water and mist Jackie turned it to cold. Bam! Thousands and thousands of cold droplets hitting her like bullets. But Jackie was once again numb, her mother always had this effect on her. Sending her into a thinking frenzy. So distracted that she couldn't feel. But not anymore. Jackie turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel. She was so sick of her mother turning her in to a shadow of her already warped self. Not anymore. Jackie pulled on her undergarments. She saw her reflection in the mirror and paused. She moved up to the mirror closely and stared at her reflection.

Her reflection no longer scared her. Her malnutritioned body was no longer too skinny. Hyde had confronted her two weeks ago and brought her to Mrs. Forman. Mrs. Forman gave her pointers on to gain the necessary weight. She was still disgusted with herself. Tracing the scar she grimaced and winced. It didn't hurt but the mere thought of it still hurt her in every way. The memories, it still wounded her. What would of happened if she didn't? Sighing heavily, Jackie put on her clothes. A brown T-Shirt and some flared jeans, topped off with black sandals. Probably the 'fanciest' she had dressed all week.

She walked down the stairs and out of her house. She spent more time at the Forman's than ever. Ever since they found out they had insisted she come over more often. Probably thought she would slice herself and commit suicide. That would have been tempting a month ago, but not now. Now she was in lo-. No, now she had a boyfriend. She wasn't in lo-. She didn't really like someone. Nah, she just had a boyfriend. An excellent boyfriend. A loving boyfriend. An amz-. But Jackie was cut off by her thinking by Eric.

"Uhh, Jackie. You gonna go in?"

Jackie looked up "Huh?"

Eric laughed. "Well, uh, you're just standing there."

Jackie thought carefully for a moment before saying loudly "Oh!" Apparently she was still thinking and was just standing outside of the screen door to the Formans. Jackie laughed and said "Sorry."

Eric laughed as well waved it off with his hand. He had been much, much nicer now. He knew she was different now. She couldn't go back to being spoiled, and a rich-bitch princess. It would attract them all back. And he knew that. She could proudly say Eric Forman was her friend. And she liked it that way, because Eric was a great guy. He didn't really judge you as much as everyone else. And Jackie needed that the most.

Jackie walked into the kitchen and saw Mrs. Forman.

"Hey Mrs. Forman!" She greeted cheerfully. She really did like her, often she wished Mrs. Forman was her own mother. Jackie needed a mother that would watch out for her.

"Oh Jackie! How are you? Are you ok? Do you need anything? Are you hungry? I make cake and cookies!" She then laughed her eccentric laugh making Jackie smile.

"No thanks Mrs. Forman. I'm just here to see Steven."

"Oh he's downstairs dear, I'll bring down some milk and cookies."

"Okay." Mrs. Forman had become much more pleasant around Jackie after she found out about Jackie being raped. Mrs. Forman overheard Eric talking to Donna one day about it in the driveway. She nearly had a heart attack and started crying. Insisting to see her. When Eric told Jackie she knew, she wasn't really mad. Jackie really didn't mind having an overprotective mother figure in her life. It was nice, feeling loved. She could get used to it.

Jackie walked down the stairs and saw Steven watching TV alone. Kelso and Fez went to Six Flags with Eric and Donna was spending the day with her mother and father in Kenosha.

Hyde looked up to Jackie and said "Hey"

"Hey" She sat on the couch next to him and placed her head on his shoulder.

She chuckled and said "Mrs. Forman is going to bring us down some milk and cookies."

Hyde laughed as well and placed his head on hers "Nice"

In no time Mrs. Forman was downstairs, walking with her usual bounce. She placed the milk and cookies on the coffee table and looked at them.

"Haha, you too make such a cute couple! Have I ever told you that!"

Hyde looked to Jackie and said "Yeah, yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that." Earning a chuckle beside him from Jackie.

Mrs. Forman laughed. "Haha, well I'm going to say it again. You two are such a cute couple. You're turning Steven into a little softie. Haha"

Hyde looked up at her "Mrs. Forman." He said in his 'I'm tough' voice.

"Oh right. I'll be leaving you two alone now."

Jackie looked over at Hyde with a Mona Lisa smile. He looked at her "What?"

"Nothing" She said and wiped the smiled off her face, the amusement in her eyes. She grabbed a cup of milk and a cookie, and watched TV with Hyde.

After finishing the milk and cookie, she placed her cup on the table and sat back. Hyde looked to her and smiled. Well, more like smirked.

"What?"

"You've got milk on your face."

"Oh." She moved her hand up to wipe it but Steven stopped it.

"I got it." Was all he said.

He put his lips over the spot next to her mouth, lightly licking it. Making Jackie shut her eyes. His lips moved over to her pouty mouth and sucked them lightly. Drawing her bottom lip in his teeth. Jackie moved her hands to his back and pulled him to her kissing him fiercly. Hyde moved his hands to small of her back leading her down on to the couch.

Hands over clothes, tongue's battling, breath's shallow, hands in hair. It was hot and steamy. Jackie moaned as his tongue lavished her neck, sucking at the sensitive part at the base of neck. His hand moved from her back and under her shirt. Jackie's eyes shot open and she pushed him off with an airy "no!" And so they both sat at opposite ends of the couch breathing heavy. Hyde was confused and Jackie's heart was beating fast. She got nervous. Really nervous.

"Jackie, I'm sorry if I was going to fast."

She shook her head negatively. "No Steven, it's….not that…it's…uhh" She sighed.

"What is it?" He asked. A curious gaze bestowed upon her.

She met his gaze and almost immediately turned it to meet something else. Whenever she had something big to say she could never meet someone's gaze.

"I got to go" She stood up and headed for the door.

"Jackie" Hyde said standing up, he couldn't let her keep any more secrets.

"What is it, something big, You gotta talk to me man."

"Not now Steven." And she walked out the door.

It was 8 o clock at the Burkhardt residence and Jackie was fixed on having a movie binge night. She had chips and candy and soda and a good chick flick. The house was cool with the Air Conditioner running so she had on comfy pajamas and a sweater. She wanted a relaxful night. A night for herself. She had just sat down on the couch when the door rang.

'Shit' She thought. It was probably Steven. He was the only one who came around. Well, soon to be her mother. But that wasn't the point. He was here, and probably wanted to know what the hell went on with the afternoon. Figuring she had no way around it she opened the door.

Of course it was Steven.

"Hey." He said.

She didn't answer, just opened the door wider, signaling him to come in. He walked in and took off his glasses and placed them in his shirt.

"You wanna tell me what this afternoon was about?"

Jackie walked into the den answering "Not really."

He walked up swiftly next to her and turned her around by the shoulders making her look at him "Well that's just too damn bad because I decided no more secrets."

She stared up at him angrily. "You can't make me say things I don't want to Steven!"

"Well Jackie, maybe you don't want to but you need to Jackie. I'm not gonna watch you stand around and tear yourself up with these secrets Jacks, it's not healthy. And you're hurting."

Jackie averted her gaze and said softly "And if I'm not ready to tell?"

He sighed and hugged her "Too bad"

Jackie sniffled and led him up to her bedroom. She took off her sweater and stood in front of him, he was sitting on her bed. She took his hand and put it on her stomach.

"You feel that?" She asked sadly.

He nodded and said "Yeah."

She took his hand out and lifted her shirt, there was a long vertical scar around 5 inches long. It was about half a centimeter thick.

Hyde looked at the scar shockingly and looked to his girlfriend "What happened?"

His voice was laced with concern and care. It broke her heart and she started crying. Silent tears and big breaths.

She sat down on the bed next to him and he took her small hands in his own large ones. She felt so small. Too small to hold so much grief.

She looked at him and said as clear as she could, while hiccupping "There was a baby." And she broke down, heavy stress and guilt filled sobs.

Hyde almost cried himself, the pain and the shock she must have endured. It was all too much. She had to deal with so much anguish and hurt it was unbearable. He didn't know how she survived. He put his arm around her and she cried into chest and stroked her hair.

"God Jackie, I am so sorry."

She could tell he was, she lifted her head up from his chest "And I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep the baby. I was so young and this baby. If I had it, everytime I looked at it I would be constantly reminded. So I killed it. I had my doctor perform the surgery. I killed his life. And I feel selfish, so selfish. Because I killed him, to make my life better. It was a boy. And when I found out I was pregnant, I really wanted to die right there. Because I kept thinking of my future, and what if he asked who his father was. And I felt so guilty for taking his life. But I couldn't keep it, I didn't know if I could pretend to be happy with him. And I didn't want to be the one to make his life miserable." She paused to take another breathe, still crying and hiccupping.

"And every time I look at the scar, I feel like such dirt and such a bad person. Because it was my own son. I killed my own son." She cried with more anguish than before and buried herself into Hyde's chest.

Hyde spoke softly into her hair "Jackie, you didn't kill him. You did what was needed to be done. If you had him, you would be worse off than you ever were. And it would be wrong Jackie. Wrong to deprive your son of the love that should be there fully. You wouldn't be able to love him, if you didn't want him in the first place. It would be wrong to bring someone to life, it would be cruel and he would unloved. And a child can tell, when they are unloved and unwanted." Jackie nodded into chest. Feeling better, but she would always have a bit of guilt. It was to be expected.

"Thank you" She said. Feeling exhausted and weary.

Hyde kissed her forehead tenderly, this fragile being had been through so much. Much more than himself, and he had to do everything in his will, to help her through it. Because she needed him, and he needed her.

"I'm tired" She said "Stay with me?"

He stood up and helped her into bed before crawling in beside her. "Of course" He answered. Kissing her temple and gathering her in his arms. Falling into a dreamless sleep.

A/N: Wow, this is a long one. Real Sorry for the wait. But yeah, chapter 10 will be out in two to three weeks. Next Chapter: Jackie's mother and school starting. Chapter 11 will probably be 'I love you's' and Sex. Thanks for the wait and the great reviews.

R and R

Alexa


	10. Her fate won't fail and crumble

Chapter 10

Jackie Burkhardt walked around her house with a bounce, cleaning up the uncomfortable mansion with the cleaning products she could find. It was a habit she had picked up when she was a kid, whenever she got anxious, nervous, or bored, she would clean. It's why she told the cleaning lady to never clean her room. It was all so odd how things changed. If someone told Jackie a year ago that Jackie Burkhardt would have Steven Hyde as a boyfriend and cleaning up her mansion. She would have told them to stop inhaling so much hair spray. But Jackie liked who she was now.

She, was not well. But, she was not a basket case. She felt secure. And that was all she could ask for.

Jackie was not welcoming her mother's arrival with open arms, but she knew what was in the future. She knew she would probably get in to a lot of trouble with her mother. Cry, and feel sorry for herself……once more. The ritual was getting quite boring, and stressful.

But, crying wasn't enough anymore. And Jackie, had had her share of shedding tears, and she didn't feel like crying anymore. Jackie Burkhardt felt good, she actually felt good. Not by the help of Steven, and not by the help of her friends. She, herself, made herself feel better. If that wasn't progress, what was life?

Bullshit.

Jackie headed upstairs and in to her room, she dressed…..well, she dressed like her old self to please her mother. She knew that if she answered the door wearing jeans and a t-shirt, she would probably be disowned right there on the spot. Jackie slipped into a skirt and matching top. Nothing too glam, but enough for her mother not to get suspicious. Before Jackie could put on perfume the doorbell rang. It echoed through the halls, sending some what of an eerie vibration.

Jackie walked down the halls, descended the steps, and answered the door. Jackie put on a small smile and greeted.

"Hello Mother"

Pam Burkhardt smiled brilliantly and held her arms out in invitation "Jackie Darling, Mummy's home!"

Jackie laughed uneasily and trudged somewhat shakily into her mother's arms. Pam's arms enclosed around her and Jackie felt. Well, she didn't really feel anything. It was a hug, but a hug with a hole in it. A hug, with an abandoned reason. Jackie really didn't expect anything. She had given up on her mother a while ago. Pam released her daughter and walked past her into the house.

"Jackie darling, do keep up"

Jackie jumped out of her daze and mumbled "Right. Coming"

Jackie followed her mother into the family room. Pam was examining the room.

"The place looks nice, did you hire some maids with the money I sent you?"

Jackie hesitated, no, she hadn't. For once, Jackie did something smart, she put the money in a bank. Under her own name, safe from everyone else.

"No, I cle-" Jackie stopped there, her mother probably wouldn't like to hear that. "I spent it on some new fall fashions for the school year Mother" Her voice slightly raised, nervous and falsely cheerful.

Pam glowed "Oh good Jackie. That's just darling. Hopefully good fashions, but you are my daughter. So of course your taste is anything but perfect."

Jackie nodded her head, a little uncomfortable. Normally she would have dragged on and on about her fall fashions. Telling her what happened, and how she was going to be the most fashionable girl in school, get married to a rich doctor, and ride off in the sunset in a cherry coloured convertible. But that didn't feel right anymore, so she just stared at her mother.

Pam cleared her throat and furrowed her eyebrow. What was this? Her daughter was not being herself? It must be an imposter. "Darling, are you alright?"

Jackie smiled brightly and said "You bet, Mother darling!" Her sarcasm shining through every letter. Pam, being somewhat of a dimwit, didn't catch on.

"Fabulous…..Oh darling! How was New York with Grandmother? Hmm?"

Jackie sighed, this was the time. The time to tell her mother.

"Mom, about that. We need to talk."

Pam smiled and spoke smoothly, like a drink being poured "Of course dear"

"When I was in New York, I had this plan to be this girl….." But Jackie didn't see the point in explaining, her mother wouldn't take the news well, no matter what explanation she had. "Mother I was raped in New York."

"What?" Pam looked taken aback. "Jackie, What?"

"How could that happen?"

"I was a little drunk and –" She was cut off.

"A little drunk? Jackie, where is your power? Jackie, you are a Burkhardt. You must have been smashed. How could you have let that happen! You have responsibilities."

Jackie looked upset, she expected it, but that didn't make it any easier "Mother, you don't understand. I'm not a strong person. Since I was a kid, someone told me that my only job was to look beautiful and forget about the rest. You know who told me that Mother? You! You told me."

Pam huffed and placed her hands on her hips "Jackie, I was not in New York with you. This is not my fault. I don't know what to say or what to think. I'm upset with you, how you could of let this just happen!"

"Aren't you even worried about me? Worried that I might have been hurt, which I was." Jackie asked, in a low whisper.

Pam's face softened and she approached Jackie. She placed her hands on Jackie's shoulders and looked her in the eye "Jackie, I am. But this, this is not acceptable. This, is upsetting. You must have been flirting or teasing Jackie, were you?"

Jackie looked down "Yes."

Pam crossed her arms over her chest "Jackie, this is your own fault. You could have prevented this, and I just don't know what to do with you."

Jackie stepped back "What to do with me? Mother, what's there to be done? Are you actually thinking of sending me away? There is a reason they call it rape Mother! Unwilling, let's not forget that I didn't willingly go into this! I did not just go slutting around! Unlike you!"

Pam took a threatening step forward and raised her voice "DO not raise your voice at me. I am your Mother!"

Jackie gritted her teeth "No, you are not my mother. You are some whore, who married my father for his money. I am simply just an accident. You are fucking low!"

SLAP.

The sound bounced off the marble walls, echoing throughout the whole house.

Jackie's gaze never faltered, remaining on her mother. Pam looked flustered, mad at herself for hitting her, mad at the situation. She struggling an internal battle, one wanted to take her child in her arms, and the other was so shamed of her.

Jackie looked at her mother. "There has never been a person in my life I have hated and despised as much as I hate and despise you. Good bye Pam."

And at that Jackie proceeded upstairs, packed a bag. And left the Burkhardt residence. Leaving her old self behind, once and for all. She was truly done. And she had left her tears behind.

Jackie walked the streets until she came to the Pinciotti house. She walked the path shamefully and knocked on the door. Donna answered.

"Jackie? What happened?" Donna opened the door wider to let her in.

Jackie stepped through the door and placed her suitcase down "My mother came back, and I told her, and she doesn't love me anymore." Jackie looked at Donna.

"Oh my god, Jackie I'm so sorry."

She smiled "It's okay, but I need a place to stay. If you don't want me to stay here it's fine, but-"

Donna shook her head "No of course not Jackie, yeah you can stay with me. No question."

Jackie put down her bags and hugged Donna tightly, she had never been so happy to find out her true friends. It felt even better to finally see clear, like her whole life before was hazy and foggy, but now it was like her vision was restored as the fog cleared. It was truly an uplifting moment.

After talking to Bob and Midge they agreed to let Jackie stay with Donna in her room. Donna led Jackie up the stairs and in to her room. She set up a cot for her and took out some sheets, a comforter, and two pillows. It was comfy, she couldn't complain. Donna had also cleared out the bottom two drawers for Jackie's stuff. It didn't take long to unpack everything, now Jackie was on her cot, reading a magazine and Donna was painting her toenails on her bed.

Jackie put down her magazine.

"Donna" Donna looked over to Jackie "I really don't know how to say how much I appreciate this. I mean, everything I've said about not wanting to be seen with you because you weren't as popular and because you're a red head you knew I was joking right?" Her throat constricted and it was getting hard to breathe, she breathed in heavily, her vision blurring "I used to be such a horrible person, and I can't believe, I don't know how you put up with it. How could you have someone like me as a friend and not, not want to find someone better?" She swallowed her tears and looked to Donna, she had a sad look on her face.

"In the beginning when Kelso first introduced you to us, I thought bad things about you hanging around. But, you were my first girlfriend, I could talk to you about boys and my opinions when I couldn't with the guys. You always held a special place in my mind, because you didn't laugh at me wanting to be a girl, you understood. And when you annoyed me, I thought back to that. But as we became better friends, I noticed there was a Jackie similar to the one that you are now, she was just struggling to get out. You're my best friend Jackie. You don't have to be perfect."

Jackie grinned widely and sighed contentedly. 'I don't have to be perfect.' She thought, it was a breath of fresh air. She didn't have to be perfect, no one was expecting her to be perfect. For once, no one expected her to be perfect. Jackie stood up and hugged Donna briefly.

"Thanks Donna, I really needed to hear that."

She didn't have to cry anymore.

The next day, Jackie and Donna went over to the basement. Jackie walked over to Hyde, sitting on his chair of course, and plopped down on his lap and gave him a kiss. She smiled widely and had a happy air to her.

Hyde smiled a little at her drastic improvement of mood, happy to see she was finally okay.

He poked her "You're happy today."

She smiled at him and gave him another kiss "Yes, I am." She stated it proudly, like she had earned it. In more ways than one, she had. Overcoming her barriers and walls that were set up as obstacles, she had overcome it all. All in a matter of 2 months. But when Jackie got down to the nitty gritty part of it all. She realized, she had done it all. All. Thanks. To. Steven. She smiled and put her head on his shoulder.

Donna took a spot on the couch and spoke up "Jackie's living with me now."

Eric, Kelso, Fez, and Hyde, all said "What!"

Jackie sighed and spoke "My mom came back the other day, I told her what happened. She, well, she said it was my fault, and that she had to do something with me. She wanted to send me away. She was purely disgusted with me, so I decided that I couldn't live with that hanging over my shoulders and asked if I could stay with Donna. Which she gracefully accepted me in to her home."

Eric turned to Jackie "Well good for you, Jacks. It's good to see you finally cheering up and taking authority."

Jackie smiled proudly, like a little kid being praised by their parents.

Recently the basement gang had taken to calling her the nickname Hyde had bestowed upon her, it made her day when they said it. It was like a final initiation. She was a part of them. A part of the group.

Fez looked to the TV and shook his head "What a whore"

Jackie laughed and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and I told her so."

Donna leaned in her seat and laughed "You didn't?"

Jackie nodded "Yeah, I gave her this whole little speech about how she wasn't a mother, just some whore who married my dad for his money. She got as red as a balloon."

After that, everyone watched the tube in silence for a little bit.

Hyde whispered in to Jackie's ear "So, this is pretty cool, you living next door."

Jackie turned her head and spoke in to his left ear "Yeah, I thought so. Farther away from my mother and closer to you, I thought it was a pretty good deal." Jackie turned her attention back to the TV and Hyde squeezed her waist in comfort and agreement.

That night, At around 11, Kelso, Fez, and Donna left to go home and sleep. Eric bid Hyde and Jackie farewell. Jackie was hardly tired though. It wasn't like she had a ball of energy, it was just this heavy weight of something, collapsing on her chest. And she couldn't get rid of it, and if she couldn't get rid of it, she couldn't sleep.

"Are you tired?" Hyde asked.

Jackie responded from the couch "No."

Hyde grunted in response and stood up "I'm gonna take a shower, should only take like 20 minutes, will you be down her when I get back?"

"Yeah" She said it softly, only a notch above a whisper.

Hyde left and Jackie sat on the couch. She never liked it much alone in the basement, it was too stuffy. Jackie gathered herself and took a comforter out of the closet (A/N: Let's pretend there's a linen closet in the basement for the sake of the authour's story : )) And walked outside, it was cool. Around 50 degrees she supposed, Jackie walked to the back yard and sat on the steps. She wrapped the blanket around her. It wasn't that it was cold out, whenever she was alone, she always needed something around her. In most cases that 'something' was Hyde but he was busy so a blanket seemed worthy enough.

It wasn't the same feeling.

Jackie stared at the darkened sky, mesmerized by the show the sky had put on for her. Billions of twinkling lights, beaming down on her, lighting up and making shapes and designs, it was enough to take your breath away.

Hyde had dressed when he noticed she wasn't in the basement. He stepped outside and looked around, when he saw someone in the backyard. He looked over and saw her sitting by herself, her tiny figure wrapped in the impossibly large comforter. Staring, just staring at the sky. If you had studied her, you wouldn't had the faintest clue to even guess as to what she was thinking, because she looked so lost. So small and fragile compared to the sky.

Hyde walked over and sat behind her and took her in his arms. Frightening her a bit, unaware of his presence once more. But she quickly relaxed and snuggled deeper in to his embrace. When she kept squirming he took a guess as to what was wrong. And he guessed right, he took the blanket and wrapped it around himself, covering both of them. She was like him in that sense, they both liked to be touching, it didn't feel natural unless they were touching. All barriers had to be removed.

Jackie leaned her head back on his shoulder and stared deeper into the night sky. Hyde's hands came around her stomach, slighting massaging her sides.

"Tell me what you're thinking" He whispered into her ear, as if talking would shatter the moment.

She closed her eyes and turned her head and gave Hyde's cheek a tender kiss.

"I'm thinking…" She sighed "I'm thinking, that I don't know where to pick off from. Where to start my life, if one way is the right path, and the other if wrong. And if I pick the wrong path, do I get even more screwed up." Hyde rested his chin on her shoulder. He spoke into her ear "You do what feels right" He told her, she slightly smiled "Yes, but doing what feels right isn't always the right path, in most cases it leads you astray, and betrayed." Hyde sighed, and spoke once more "Then follow your intuition." Jackie nodded her head.

Jackie turned her head into his neck. "It feels like I'm starting new, almost like I'm being born again you know? When you're born everything is unknown territory and you have to learn to adjust and accept things the way they are. It's a little overwhelming." She laughed a little and inhaled his scent, his cologne. Always intoxicating. "Things are definitely going to change, can you imagine school?" She chuckled a little, he laughed a little as well. "I'm going to be cast aside and made fun like there's no tomorrow." Hyde kissed her temple "It's alright, I'll be there, and I'll punch any guy who makes fun of you." Jackie laughed into his chest. Things would be alright.

Jackie looked him in the eye and kissed him. A gentle kiss at first, her letting him know she cared. His arms enveloping her, her hands holding his face, a little rougher a little more passionate, him letting her know he was there. Hands entwined in hair, moans, little grunts. It was pure desire, passion, lust, and love. She couldn't deny it anymore, there was love, so much love. But it didn't scare them as much as it used to.

Jackie pulled away, breathing a little heavily. "You" she said, kissing him lightly "Are dead tired, I can tell. Go to bed, I'll see you tomorrow." He smiled and got up, she could read him easier. At the door they kissed goodbye and parted ways. They left with feelings intensified and love a certain possibility.

A/N: Woot, chapter 10, and yeah. I lied, the next chapter will deal with school and love and such. Then chapter 12 will deal with sex. I think, who knows. That's my plan. Chapter 11, expect 1-2 ½ weeks. Thanks!

R and R

Alexa


	11. The right will come to sing

Chapter 11 (In Jackie's P.O.V)

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BE- SLAM! I awoke up at 6:00 in my cot to Donna's hand crashing on the alarm, none of us were happy to go back to school. Especially me. What was waiting for me there? Evil glares, hushed whispers, pointing and snickering. Oh yeah, I definitely wasn't ready.

Lazily, I dragged my feet out of bed, I wasn't tired, I just didn't want to face the day. The fact that my whole entire life is going to change…..again. It was so unfair, I get to be the screwed up junior, while everyone makes fun of me, I bet they would be ashamed if they found out why I'm so screwed up, I think I would like to see them in pain.

I walk to the closet and pick out the least offending clothes. A purple t-shirt that says "kiss my sash" and a skull and cross bones. Dark jeans, and some shoes. I don't think I could handle a skirt. Too feminine, I never feel feminine anymore, I think it's because it was ripped away from me. Who knows.

I'm done before Donna, my hair is in waves naturally so I didn't feel the need to fix it. I go downstairs and wait in the kitchen. My mind is reeling as my legs swing. If there was ever a time for super powers, now would be it. I'd be invisible, making myself unseen to the human eye, creating minor acts of mayhem on my fellow students. Sticking up for my fellow friends, and kicking asses of those who hurt people. People like me.

My head sways to the window, I can see the Forman household. And naturally I think to Steven. I'm getting dependent. Too dependent. I never planned on getting into a relationship so fast, honestly, I never planned on getting in a relationship ever again. But I'm such a fucking romantic, even after getting hurt, in more ways than one, I always find myself in someone's arms. I suppose I'm just that person who doesn't think of themselves as complete, until someone comes along and completes them.

I think I'm just pathetic.

Donna comes strolling in with a backpack slung over her right shoulder, she hastily grabs a bagel and walks over to me.

"Ready to go?" She's quite winded, I look over to the clock. 7:10. 7:10? Wow, I really shouldn't trust myself alone.

I jump off the counter and put on my backpack. "Yup" I say it quite unenthusiastically. I think Donna just thinks I'm tired. But not anymore, I don't find myself tired. Just incomplete. It exhausts one to sleep. We trudge to the car and step in. I close my eyes and try to ignore the feel of nausea in my stomach. A sense of foreboding maybe? No, I don't need my stomach to tell me I'm in deep shit.

I personally stopped by the Forman's last night to talk to Steven. I told him to be at school on time tomorrow, there was no way I was going down by myself. I wasn't dragging Steven down with me, just bringing him along for the ride. Maybe he could find some amusement in it. At least someone would have a good time. I'm sure I'll be able to find him somewhere, and even till then I have Donna. My goal is to avoid as much of the student body as humanly possible. I don't think my assumptions are close to reality.

Creeeakk.

Slam!

I open my eyes to find myself at our high school hell. I really need to work on my timing. Donna peeks her head into the car.

"Come on sleepy, school awaits. And I need to find Eric."

I step out of the car, immediately uncomfortable by the humid air. Things tend to stay hot here until late September, it makes for antsy and irritable kids. Kind of cruel. I expect things to get much, much worse.

Donna and I walk through the high school doors, the school is cool. Unexpected, but nice. Maybe today won't be so bad.

"JACKIEEEE!"

Or maybe it will.

I stop dead in my tracks and whisper to Donna "Don't leave me" There's no way I'm going to plunge into a throng of cheerleaders by myself, I don't do that anymore. When did I change so much? Oh yeah. When I was raped.

I turn around slowly, Donna is by my side, I think she knows I need her here. At least that's what I'm hoping she knows.

Some cheerleader named Candi or Mandi runs up to me. I vaguely recognize her, I don't think I paid any attention to who was on the squad, I just looked for the outfits and squealed and giggled. I didn't have to know any names, we just played the part. High school is screwy like that, everyone plays the part, and when you get out, you get to be yourself. It's like an award I suppose, for getting that far. I know I can't wait for my name to be called.

Candi starts pulling me over to another hoard of cheerleaders, I visibly shudder and hold back. Candi asks me what's wrong. I don't know how to respond. So I don't. And I walk away.

I've already made my mark.

Donna and myself find Steven and Eric by some errant lockers. Eric and Donna kiss and cuddle while I just lean myself on the locker next the Steven, the one he's leaning on.

"Rough day?" He asks.

"Yup, it's already started."

"Is it hard?"

"Rock hard. Only after 5 minutes I know, that I can't even possible manage to try and communicate with them." I sigh on cue, dramatically of course, and turn to look at Steven "I guess I just don't want to pretend anymore." I shrug my shoulders to make it seem less dramatic and not a big deal. But I know it is. And so does he.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I hear thousands of whispers in the crowded hall, and I don't feel like crying. Nah, I haven't felt like that in a while. I turned my face in the crook of Steven's neck and I let out a genuine laugh. Little tiny shakes take over my body and I pull out of his embrace and smile in front of him. He smiles back, a little confused. I wrap my arms around his neck and whisper into his ear, like a big secret being told for the first time. Precious.

"Screw them. I'm already going to hell, why not make a show." I pull back and he's smirking, a devilish smirk I missed a lot. And it's not like the new found softer Steven isn't great, but I loved the badass zenmaster who showed us all a good time.

So I kissed him, full blown out make out session right in the middle of the halls in Point Place high school. But kissing Steven, I don't care about what anyone thinks. He's all I need, his hands on my waist, his hands on my back, his hands in my hair. I just need him.

People will get over it, and I'll move on.

The first bell rings and I pull away from his lips, my breathing a little heavy. And so is his, I think the schools is as well. He smirks once more, reaches in to his front pocket and puts on his shades. And we casually stroll down the hall as he walks me to my first class, his arm casually hanging from my shoulder. Like we'd been together for years.

In truth, it's only 2 ½ months.

But who's counting?

I step into my first class, English 11 honors. I may have been a cheerleader, but I wasn't stupid. English was something that came naturally to me, it flowed out of me when math couldn't.

People look at me like an alien, but it's all I can expect. I decide not to spend too much time fretting over it, people will talk. But that's all it is, talk. When it comes down to physical abuse instead of mental. Then I'll worry, but for now, for now I take a seat in the back of class and try to listen as Mr. Yaits drones on. We're all designed to cope.

"Symbolism" he says "Is a way to repeat what goes on in the book, without boring you to death. If you repeat, she is scared, she is scared, she is scared, it would be boring as hell. So, we use symbolism to make reading worth while."

Mr. Yaits is cool, he's only like 29, so he still has a sense of humour in tact.

"You want a passing grade, read between the lines." And he drops Jane Eyre on our desks. English class, should be interesting.

Class lets out and I go to all my classes like a mindless drone, it's all the same bullshit as last year, only the teachers change and the stuff gets harder. I can handle it.

Luckily, the six of us have lunch together. So I won't have to sit by myself and look insanely lost and scout a place to sit. I carry my brown bag in to the cafeteria, I hide behind members of the basketball team and quietly drift down the large hall. I slide out the door and see my friends at a picnic table. Seniors are only allowed to eat outside, but that rule hasn't been enforced for years. Teachers are more worn out than students, I think they'd prefer it if we just didn't show up at all.

Donna turns around and calls my name. I walk up to the table and they all make room for me to sit down. I'm in between Donna and Steven, I'm feeling pretty safe right about now.

Conversation jumps across the table.

"Man, I have Holster again this year, she keeps on riding me for homework that I didn't turn in last year!"

"I already got detention man, a demerit for wandering the halls. Yeah, right. I was taking a leisurely stroll man!"

"My homeroom teacher is new and he is so uptight, apparently he worked in the navy. He treats us like soldiers."

I watch with deep interest, I used to love partaking in the conversation, but now I just love to watch it. Maybe I am screwed up, the possibilities are endless.

I feel something on my knee, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I figure out it's Steven's hand. I don't mind it anymore, at first it kind of freaked me out, but now, now I wait for him to do it. Because he's not doing it out of lust, more for comfort. We both like to be touching each other, always keeping contact. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll fall if I'm not attached to him. But fall where? Inside my mind? That would be scary, I don't trust myself in there anymore.

I reach for his hand on my knee and entwine our fingers, I draw patterns on his palm and play with his fingers. His hands are my favorite, well, that and his arms. I could feel them all day. He's not like Kelso in any way. That's my favorite part about him.

I turn my head and kiss him, and he kisses back. It's gentle of course, it's how they all start, where they end up later is a different story. I gently deepen it, forgetting of course that there are people still sitting at the same table. But his hands come to waist and stomach and I lose all sense. We break apart slowly, at the same time. And I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. That's the way school should be.

But I don't bother with wishing anymore.

School ends with a sigh, a huge burden on my shoulders, bringing me down. I think by the time ends I'll be dead, suffocation.

I slowly make my way towards the car, dragging my feet in a sad trudge. After lunch, when I had to come off my high of Steven, I was confronted by 4 football players and the whole cheerleading squad. They told me I'd better break it off with Steven or I'm off the team.

Tough decision.

I'm sure they'll figure out my answer by tomorrow.

I get into the car with Donna and we take off. Leaving our problems behind with the school. My former self waves sadly as we part, wishing me well on my new adventure into womanhood. I don't look back.

Steven is already at the house when we get to Donna's, I'm assuming he skipped his last class, I don't intend to tell him that's bad for him to do. Taking off a class or two would be nice. I don't think I'll him that.

I step out of the car and Steven walks over to me, a slow walk with his thumbs in the belt loops. Very cool, very casual. He stops in front of me.

"So, I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight."

I'm thinking it's a school night, but I'm also thinking I don't have parents to tell me that. Maybe I'll badass myself to death.

"A date?" I hear myself ask.

He shrugs his shoulders "Yeah, whatever"

I don't think I want to go out in public, not in embarrassment, I never feel comfortable in crowds anymore.

"Where?" I'm being cautious. Too cautious? Maybe, but one can never be too safe.

"Just out to Kerry's"

Hmm, Kerry's. It's pretty dark in there, a place where you can spend quiet alone time with a lover, usually a band will play something soft.

"Ok" It's nothing big, and Steven will be there.

He nods and turns to walk away but stops.

"Uh, I guess I'll come pick you up at like 7."

"Ok" I don't really feel like talking today. He looks a little dejected, I suppose school just has me down.

He's walking away, I call out his name "Steven, wait" He turns around.

I walk up and he opens his mouth to talk but I wrap my arms around his neck and he closes his mouth. My left hand comes down to his cheek and holds it, flexing my thumb over the smooth skin. Steven always had smooth skin. Never a blemish, his eyes are clouded over. I'm assuming mine are too, we tend to rub off on each other. My thumb rubs over his bottom lip, I can't last any longer. My hand curls into his hair and I kiss him fiercely. His hands wrap around my back, one on my lower back and one higher. It feels good, and he tastes better than anything I've ever tasted. I only want more. I suck on his bottom lip before claiming his mouth again. His tongue enters and it dances with mine. We pull apart in heavy breathing, and I hug him.

And I let go, step away, and look.

It's a new feeling, like I can't be away from him, like I can't survive without his touch. It sends chills down my spine, he seems to notice it too. Maybe we need some time apart. I need a nap, I need to do my homework.

"Until 7 then." I turn around walk into the house, hearing a faint "Yeah" coming in Steven's direction. We both sound utterly lost. I just want to be near him again.

I'm thinking it's a sign

That the freckles in our eyes

Are mirror images

And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

At 6:30 I started to get ready, I had finished my homework like a good little girl, I'm too scared to get in trouble this early in the school year. Maybe when I feel hopelessly lost and undone I'll start missing out and flunking, but here's to hoping that day doesn't come.

I look at my reflection, not too bad. The most effort I've put in yet. It's a simple summer dress. White, with blue and pink flowers with green stems. They look like water colors. The dress comes to my knees, but frills out in different directions at the waist. I wear low, white heels. I stick a barrette in my hair, on the side. I only put on lip gloss.

I'm all ready to go, so I head downstairs and wait at the table. I fiddle my thumbs and click my heels on the tiles, anything to distract myself from thoughts. Of this afternoon, it's not working, it's all I can think about. I know what it is, it's love. As much as I hate to admit it, it doesn't scare, not like it used to. I don't feel like I'm going to get hurt, but I know it's definitely a certain possibility.

The last thing I want to feel is pain, and I don't. Not with Steven at least. But am I setting myself up only to fall? Love is a huge risk, but, is it too soon? Yes. It is, but, that doesn't mean it's not there.

Ding! Dong!

Shit. I stand up and open the door. Wow, it's odd, but really nice. Steven's wearing some khaki slacks with a blue button down shirt, with a wife beater underneath. It brings out his eyes. He looks at me for a little while and all I can do is stare back. It's comfortable, he smiles gently, so little you might not be able to tell it's a smile. I've never seen him smile like that. A Mona Lisa smile.

"You look beautiful." He says. I smile a little and step towards him. I look at his shirt and put my hands on the pattern.

He looks down at me and smiles again, I kiss him, and tell him he looks handsome. We take his car and head down the highway. He makes a right and I get confused.

And I have to speculate

That God Himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true it may seem like a stretch

But it's thoughts like this that catch

My troubled head when you're away

When I am missing you to death

"I thought we were going to Kerry's"

He shakes his head "We were, but I thought of something much better after you left."

I smile, a surprise? "Where?"

He grins. And he keeps silent.

He makes another left and pulls into a dirt road. The trees are all swaying and dancing, shining, glistening with the paint the sun provides. There isn't enough effort not to smile, it's truly beautiful. We come to a clearing and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep me from gasping. It's beautiful.

I step out of the car and take a few steps forward, a huge maple tree stands, elegant and strong. It creates a shade for us, and a view. A grand view of the miles and miles of trees below us. It's enough to make the Gods weep. I turn around and look at him.

He's smiling again, leaning against his car, watching me watch him. And I know, I know I love him. And it feels like forever, like 3 months ago never happened. He moves from his car and walks toward me. His hands go to my waist and I place my hands on his chest.

"Where'd you find this place?"

"I used to come here when my mom was pissing me off. I didn't want to go to a stuffy club. I figured this place would be ten times better."

I smile wide and kiss him "You're right, this is ten times better." I pull him over to the shade of the maple and sit down. He sits behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach. There's a setting sun, and it's setting away all my problems. The warm glow relaxes my face, and sends me resting on Steven's shoulder, where his chin come to stand in the crook of my neck.

"I love you" He tells me.

I lift my head and turn around to look at him. My face is unreadable, blank. It's causing him pain, and I know the strength it takes to say it, especially coming from him. But just looking at him I know I couldn't even have the courage to lie and say I don't. Because I do, so much. And so I tell him, and I kiss him gently. He smiles into the kiss and lays me down, kissing me gently all the way. And it's right. So right it should be wrong.

But it's not. It's finally right. And it may only be 2 ½ months. But time is never on my side.

When you are out there on the road  
For several weeks of shows  
And when you scan the radio  
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights  
"Come down now" they'll say  
But everything looks perfect from far away  
"Come down now" but we'll stay

End Chapter.

A/N: Wow, this is personally one of my favorite chapters. Feedback is appreciated! Song is "such great heights" By Iron and Wine (slow song version) or the postal service (fast song version)


	12. A Life fulfilled is Freedom

Chapter 12 (In Jackie's P.O.V)

It's beginning of October, and the cold weather has already felt a need to make his presence. It seeps through our wind breakers and chills our spines, and sends a warning of the winter to come. I like to stay inside and wrap myself in blankets and warm socks. Winter has always been my favorite time of year. It invigorates. Hmmm, Death Number 42: Invigorate myself to death. I'll add it to the list.

School has not been much of a change, people point and laugh at me like I'm some sort of circus freak, like I don't have feelings. But, I suppose payback is a bitch. I use to point and laugh as well, only now, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, because life is so much more complicated than a bunch of immature, hormonally driven skankoids. I just figure that I shouldn't let it get to me.

But things are harder now, harder to ignore. I try to maneuver my ways around the school, any length to avoid the people I used to associate with. If I walk by them, the books that are in my arms gets torn from my grasp and thrown to the floor, or I find myself tripping coincidentally around them. I don't let my friends know what's going on at school, it's better if I kept this to myself. I already worry about myself too much, I don't need other people worrying about me as well.

Sometimes I'm scared for myself, there are times when I find myself getting numb again, where I just stare ahead at the walls and forget. And I don't want to go back there again. I'd give anything if I could just forget and live, but it's so much more harder to keep on going to school pretending that my life is okay, that it doesn't bother me, that I'm okay.

But Steven, he makes me forget. He makes me feel like the only people in the world are the two of us, and I love him for it. But he can't be around me forever, and he can't be my solution to finding the will to move on. It's like this quote I read in a book.

"Do you have the will to carry on, when you know you can't survive?"

The thing is, I don't know if I can survive, so I don't know if I have the will. I suppose time will only tell. But right now there is a knock at the door.

I make my way down the stairs and open the door to see the face of Steven. I smile brightly and launch myself into his arms for a hug. I think Steven is the only one who can truly make me smile anymore, I don't know what I would do if Steven wasn't there. If Steven didn't love me. I don't like to think about it. But he does, he loves me. And that's enough to get through the day, knowing he'll come to me at the end of it and tell me he loves me.

Things with Steven have been great, he doesn't pressure me into anything, except talking about my problems. But he hasn't figured out what happens at school. I don't want him to know, I think he would literally attach himself to me at the hip and set up camera's in all of my classes. But I don't want to be the needy girlfriend, I want him to see his friends and do what he likes to do. And have the option of seeing his girlfriend. I should only be top priority to him some of the time. I'm not his life, just a part of it.

We settle on the couch and I throw my legs over his lap. My head rests at his shoulder and I weave my fingers in and out of his.

"How was school." He asks this most of the time.

"It was fine." Occasionally I'll throw in a good, or a sarcastic great. I like to vary things when I lie to him.

"You're lying to me." Some of the time I get angry when he says this, angry because he knows me so well. He can tell that I lie, and that something is wrong, and he gets angry too because I won't tell him what's wrong, and he can't figure out how to make me better.

"No I'm not." I reply to this calmly, I don't feel like getting angry today.

He turns to face me and grabs my shoulders.

"Jackie, I've had it. Stop lying to me, tell me what's going on."

I gulp. I don't know if to tell him or not.

"Alright, I am lying to do. I have been." I suppose I just don't feel like pretending anymore.

"About what?" He asks.

"About school, things aren't fine. I just didn't…..want, you to worry more than you already do. I feel like I'm being a burden for you, like I'm more an obligation for you instead of you wanting to help me. I know that's cruel to say, but, I just….feel…like, like I can't make you happy, because I'm not…a happy person."

It's true, I don't think I can make him happy, but he makes me happy, he really does.

He looks perplexed, he opens his mouth to respond. But I'm not done talking.

"But, things are rough right now. In school, I usually have a crappy day, but whenever I see you when I come home I feel the happiest I've ever been. I'm just saying, that school isn't going to change, I'm always going to have a rough time with it, I guess I just didn't feel the need to tell you about it because it wasn't going to get any better, and I know that it bothers you when you can't help me."

This is the part where I stop talking, I've said my piece. I don't know if I feel any better because of it, I decide that when Steven tells me his piece. He has yet to speak.

"Jackie, when I don't see you in school I do worry about you. I wonder if you're okay. I wonder if somebody is giving you a hard time. And then I come here and I see you looking so depressed, I want to help you because I know how amazing you are when you're happy. But then you lie to me and tell me you're fine, it makes me mad. Because I know you're not, and you know I can tell when you're lying, but you do it anyway. Jackie I don't want to make you happy out of obligation, I want to make you happy….I want to make you happy because, because I love you."

I swear I almost cry right then and there. It's only the second time he's told me he loved me, not since that day.

"I love you too." And it's true, it will always be true. People often say that they might have always been in love and not known it. But that often isn't possible, the reasons I love Steven are not what I used to see him be like. It's often the secret side of people we all fall in love with.

He smiles. I love that smile. He cups my cheek and kisses me slow. About to pull away I decide I can't let him, I loop my arms around his neck and pull him back to me, his kisses make me forget all about my life. They make me concentrate on him and me. The only people in the world right now as far as I'm concerned. His hand goes to my lower back and guides us slowly onto the couch.

I sink my hands into his hair and kiss him passionately, hot needy spicy man woman hot kiss. It makes me breathless, his kiss fleet from my lips to my jaw to my neck. He sucks and kisses there in a way that makes me squirm. His right hand settles on the inside of my thigh and I gasp. There's that feeling again, that hot, burning, flame in my center. I like, no love the feeling of it. But I find myself wanting more of it. And there's only one way I can get it, and that doesn't scare me the way it used to. But it worries me, and I don't want to worry when I make out with my boyfriend. That isn't the way things work. So I pull out of the kiss we are in the middle of and slowly kiss his forehead. I tell him I love him.

I stand in the doorway and watch him walk away to the Forman's house, I'll miss him. But I have homework to do, and tomorrow is Saturday. I'm spending the day with him. The last thing I want to do this weekend is homework.

("The best way to love, is to love like you have never been hurt.")

I lie awake in my cot and stare at the ceiling. This quote keeps repeating over and over in my mind. It's trying to tell me something other than the obvious, but I can't figure it out. It's driving me insane. If the best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt, then I would have to go back to before when I wasn't hurt, and I can't be that person again.

Love is always something that will complicate things the most, because there are so many things that can come out of it. So many consequences, so many options, chances, mistakes, sacrifices, impacts. So many ways to love a person. Love, has branches of branches of branches. Love can branch to lust, lies, passion, affairs, mistresses, rape.

People make books about love, stories and poems about love. But nobody should follow the same path or conclusion one makes because love can contradict and backfire. You can't love the same way twice. It's nearly impossible.

The best way to love someone is to love like you are discovering a secret about yourself. Trying to find a secret identity, a new thought, a new way to laugh, a new way to smile.

A new way to live.

I smile on the outside, loving Steven is a new life for me. It's an adventure and it's romantic and it's breathtaking. It's everything a girl could want, but it's not what I need. There's still that empty space, and I know what it takes to complete it. Two souls and two bodies becoming one.

But can I handle it? Loving, is not just enough. Loving can heal, but mentally the memory and images remain. Only time will tell I suppose.

I roll over in my bed and watch the sky from the window, and things turn to black.

("Love is not blind-it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.")

In the morning I wake up at 10 and lazily stretch every muscle, awakening them for the routine of the day. Donna is already up. I walk to the window and open it. Immediately I'm met with a crisp, warm air. The weather people said today would be the best day to go out, in the mid 70's.

I put on my ¾ length shirt and my flares. Steven and I were aiming for casual fun today. I don't know what we're going to do.

I head downstairs and grab a donut Mr. Pinciotti bought this morning and proceed to munch over to the Forman's. I don't know what Donna's doing today. I'll ask her when I get home.

I walk into the basement and wipe the crumbs from my hands on my pants. The basement is empty. Not surprising, I walk into Steven's room and watch him sleep for a minute or two. I walk over cautiously and sit on the side of his bed. His chest goes up and down in a steady rhythm.

What I could really do is tickle his feet where I know he is most sensitive, or I could jump up and "Oh my god! It's a fire!" But, I know Steven, and I really think he would break up with me if I woke him up like that. He's not a morning person. Now, what does Steven like that I could wake him up with?

Oh, the possibilities.

I lean down and kiss Steven gently, applying a bit of pressure. Not to my surprise he kisses back after a moment. I break out of the kiss and look at him. He opens one eye sleepily and closes it again, moans, and rolls over.

I grin at his actions.

"Stteeevveenn." I say quietly but whiny. I roll him over and jump on his stomach earning a loud "OOmmph."

"Time to wakey wakey!"

I get off of him and stand before him. He looks to his clock and says tiredly "Damn woman! It's only 10:30. In what way do I wake up at all before noon."

Expecting nothing less, I think of a way to put this that would make him get up.

"Well, we were going to spend the day together. And I woke up at 10 but I just couldn't wait any longer to see you. Don't you want to spend time with me?" I put on a pout for good show.

He sighs and says "Yeah, give me 20 minutes, I'm gonna shower."

I slide in next to him and hug his midriff. "Thanks babe." I say it quietly. I look up and kiss him gently one more time before getting out of his bed to head back.

"Come over to Donna's when you're ready."

The walk back is quiet (and short of course) but I can't help notice the sun shining it's warm rays on me. How they're quite hot. When BAM! I suddenly have an idea for us to do today. I reach Donna's and grab a bag and start packing a lunch and dinner for both of us. I grab my swimsuit and a change of clothes. All done in about 10 minutes. I wait eagerly at the front door.

Ding! Dong!

I open the door quickly and Steven staggers back. I laugh quietly before hugging him. He smells good, it's deep and woody.

"You smell good."

I hear his laugh, deep laugh. Sort of a chuckle.

"Thanks."

I think we both just sort of forgot our place here, it must have been 5 minutes, but we just stood there hugging each other. It was nice.

I pull out of the embrace.

"Right, so I thought of a great place for us to spend the day. You didn't want to spend it in public did you?"

He says no with a shake of the head.

"Great, because I thought we could spend it at my parents ski cabin. It's going to be foreclosed in like 2 months, so I thought we could use it before it's gone. If you don't wanna do that we cou-"

Steven cuts me off "No I think it's a good idea. Let's go babe."

We get into his car and drive off to the ski cabin.

The whole ride was driven in relative silence. It wasn't an awkward silence. But comfortable, Steven was never one to talk that much anyway. The ride was about and hour drive, his hand was on my knee the whole way.

The road ahead of us is blank, just a straight line. No curves, no twists, nothing. It might be nice.

"My favorite time when driving is at night." I say. He listens.

"When I was younger, my family and I used to take these 6-8 hour drives to my grandparents. Most of the time we would leave in the morning. But occasionally, there would be times when we had to leave at about 6 or so in the evening. It was my favorite time in the whole world. No one would talk, the radio would be off. And everywhere inside the car and out was dark. All you could hear was the car, and all you could see was the lights in front of you.

"It was so peaceful, being like that. There's nothing that can compare to it, I don't think it's appreciated as much as it should be."

I stare ahead more pointedly.

"I miss it, the way the car lulls you to sleep. How everyone and everything is exactly the same."

His hand squeezes my knee in comfort and agreement. He doesn't need to talk, to tell me that I'm right. With Michael I never hadthe conversation i wanted, with Steven I don't need it.

We get to the cabin at 1 o clock. The cabin doesn't need cleaning or dusting. It's just fine, and all my stuff hasn't been moved yet. I set the bag on top of the counter and to turn to Steven.

"So, what first? Swimming or lunch."

Steven walks to the table and sits down.

"I don't do swimming." He says.

"Not yet at least. C'mon It'll be really fun."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

I sigh, I go into my fathers room, rummage around in his drawers and come back to Steven.

I hand him my fathers trunks.

"You will go swimming with me, and we will have a blast."

He stands up.

"Jackie, I'm not going swimming with you."

I walk over to him slowly and hug him, sliding my hands up his back. I kiss his neck. I can feel him tense.

"C'mon Steven, it's be fun."

He growls slightly, and mutters "Fine."

I smirk inwardly. But kiss him on the outside.

He walks by me and smack his butt playfully, he turns around and I say "Go change and we'll eat later."

He nods. And I turn to the bathroom and put on my own suit. It's a one piece of course. It may be just Steven, but I still have my insecurities.

I put on my suit and pay my attention to the mirror. I pull my hair down and it flows to the middle of my back, recently I decided to let it grow longer than just a little past my shoulders. I grab two towels off the rack and walk out.

Steven's standing there in the middle of the room, looking quite fine. You might not be able to tell from the clothes he wears but he's got muscles. In unexpected places, his abs, are firm. No six pack, but firm. But his arms, are toned and strong. Not over muscled, just perfect.

I walk over to him and push the towel to his chest.

"Let's go." I say.

We walk on to the porch and the sun beams proudly upon us. I smile. It's October and yet here we have 85 degree weather. It's truly a miracle. I look back at Steven and wink

"Race you." I say, and I dash for the lake.

I hear Steven laugh and start to run himself, soon enough he catches up to me and grabs me by the waste. He lifts me up and I squeal, and throws me over his shoulder. He carries me to the lake.

He walks over to the pier and trudges to the end of it. He brings me down and holds me bridal style.

"You love me?" He asks.

"Yes." I agree.

"Good." He says, and throws me into the lake.

I scream and fall deep into the abyss, the water is cool, but warm in different places. It covers my body and restores my unhappiness, engulfs me in reason. I swim to the surface and place my arms upon the pier and stare up at the man I love. The man who catches me when I fall. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I push back from the pier and float.

"Come swim with me." I say.

He agrees with me by sitting down on the pier and sinking himself in, swimming over to me and grabbing me to him. And we both float, my arms around his neck, and his arms around my waist, hands on my back. I don't think we should have floated, but we did. For some unknown reason we do.

All I can do is stare into his eyes.

I detangle myself and swim to the little beach near the shore. Steven follows. Before we get out he reaches for me and tells me "Stay."

And I oblige. We stand in the water and it comes to his chest, my neck. The hands at my side float up to the surface and along his chest, and come around his back. I kiss the exposed chest and his hands come to my hair and forces me to kiss him.

A slippery kiss, but filled with passion, wet mouths colliding with wet tongues. My legs lift up and engulf him around the waist, pressing myself to him. The contact makes our breathes catch and we both breathe unsteadily into the kiss. Tongue's massage and lick any crevice that could be found.

His hands slip from my hair, down to my back, resting on the area before my butt. He pushes me to him and we have to break the kiss to catch our breathes. The passion is intensified. Water heats up the friction 10 fold. I place both of my hands on his face and kiss him once more. "I need you." I say. "I want to give myself to you."

He starts to talk but I kiss him heatedly to stop his unnecessary words. "I need you."

He breathes heavy and kisses me again. "I need you too."

He grabs my hand and we walk to the shore. I don't need to think about this, not anymore. The fact is I need him inside me, completing me, filling me. His love and his love solely will fill the empty space.

We walk back to the cabin but find it takes us longer the 2nd time around. For the 3rd time I find myself pressed to the trunk of a tree, gasping and grabbing anything I can. Maybe we need this more than I thought. We finally make it to the cabin.

I turn to Steven and kiss him gently, I pull back and his eyes are still closed. I take his hands in mine and lead him towards my room.

We walk in together and I lead him into the bathroom. I kiss him again and wrap my arms around his neck. I have to keep touching him. He separates the hair from my neck and kisses a trail from below my ear to my shoulders. Wet kisses. He slides a strap off, and another. I pull the clothing off and my skin is cold. I take a step closer and press my skin to his. We both shiver. "You're beautiful." He tells me. I kiss him hotly while undoing the strings on his trunks, he slides them down and we both stumble into the shower and turn the water to hot.

We're both pressed to the shower wall, hot beads of water dress us up in fiery passion. The kisses slide from mouth to chin to neck to shoulders. We both can't go much longer without having all of each other.

I suck on his earlobe and he breathes heavy into my neck. I tell him I need him more than ever and shut off the water.

We dry ourselves off as best as we can and fall back into my room. The window is open which lets in a lazy breeze. The breeze sends me crashing back into his embrace. We both slip under the covers and try our best to contain ourselves. His hands cup my face and kisses me lovingly. I grab at his back and spread my legs, he settles between my things.

He slides into me easily and I gasp at the feeling, entirely new. His thrusts are long and deep, sending me into frenzy. Our moans and whimpers fill the room with an intensity. He kisses me long, deep, and hard. His final thrust makes me gasp his name in orgasm, and my body rides the waves of pleasure that crashes over me, filling me, completing me. He groans my name in pleasure at his own release.

("Life is what you make it.")

It is 7:23. At least that is what the clock radio's red stare tells me. We both lie in the afterglow of our lovemaking and settle in the warmth of each others embrace. The lazy breeze is still wafting it's way through our room, gliding over our smooth skin, healing, and finally mending.

I'm settled on my lover's chest, while my left hand plays with my lover's right hand. We have both awoken from our nap, completely satisfied to lay and bask. His left hand is settled on my back, rubbing the smooth skin in a lulling manner. We can both see the sun setting over the forest from my window.

I kiss Steven's chest.

"We should get going soon." He tells me.

"We should." I agree.

He rolls us over and smiles down at me, I reach up and caress his face. I smile back up at him.

"I love you." I tell him.

He kisses me deeply and replies "I love you too."

We both dress silently and quietly, afraid to shatter the moment. Which is near impossible, if wild chimpanzees were to run through the door I don't think it would ruin the moment. We both load up the car and ride home.

Driving in the dark.

Life leaks from you fingertips

Onto sparkling pavement

Having heard the news you stubmle, stuttering, confused

Helicoptors line the sky

Marching men are rolling by

Babies in their baskets blankly stare through space

Ever since I first saw you

Standing in the black frozen night

I've been blind

But I've been driving in the dark towards you

Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight

In my eyes

Sirens sing over the streets

Chimpanzees are on tv

Everybody's working waiting for the week to end

Ever since I first saw you

Standing in the black frozen night

I've been blind

But I've been driving in the dark towards you

Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight

In my eyes

And nothing's left to hide

Ever since I first saw you

Standing in the black frozen night

I've been blind

I'm running out of time

Ever since I first saw you

Standing in the black frozen night

I've been blind

But I've been driving in the dark towards you

Not stopping 'til I catch the sunlight

In my eyes

And nothing's left to hide

A/N: So this is chapter 12, the smutty love scene I think went pretty well. I hope it gets you all hot and bothered. Anyway, the beginning I think sucked but got better as the story went on. Please R and R. And I took your advice and typed faster. I think there will be either only 1 or 2 chapters left. I haven't made up my mind. The song is 'Driving In The Dark' by Saves the Day. I also want to say that Swim Trunks are not like speedos, they're like the swim suits guys wear today.


	13. A sweet lie called solitude

Chapter 13 (In Jackie's P.O.V)

I walked down the halls of Point Place High with my sweater pulled tight, it's a particularly nippy December day. I feel like sleeping, snuggling up into warm blankets, hot cocoa in hand in front of the fireplace. But the Pinciotti's don't have a fireplace, and I hate hot cocoa. Oh well, some cliché's don't fit all.

I walk a bit faster when I hear the cat calls and crude language from the football team. It makes me nervous, afraid of people. I feel like running away, but I don't want to look like a complete coward. I don't have anything to prove.

"Hello Jackie." I look in front of me to see who's blocking my path to freedom. The school day has ended and I feel no need to make my presence here. Amber, Gloria, and Esther all stand in front of me, clad in cheerleading glory. The glory doesn't seem so bright anymore.

Amber circles me like a vulture circling a dying animal.

"Well Jackie, It's such a shame to see you dressing like such a loser."

What? I didn't look totally unacceptable, a sweater shirt, jeans, and boots. I could do much worse, and can point out the many who do. Amber looks like she wants me to say something. I don't know what she expects me to say. A comeback? Please, that is so 'high school'.

"What's the matter retard? Going deaf? Or are you a fucking mute?" Ouch. Esther has chimed in to join in on the fun. I still have no clue what to say. I try to walk around but Gloria and Amber push me back. I fall back into the lockers, the three surround me. This time, Gloria speaks.

"Next time, stay out of our way bitch."

They turn to walk away but I find my voice.

"I wasn't in your way."

I should have stayed silent. Esther turns around, rips my books from my arms and throws them across the hall. Amber pushes me to the ground.

"You think you have a right to talk back to us you low ass scum?" Amber yells.

I want to cry, run into the bathroom and cry and kick and yell and scream. But I can't let them feel that accomplishment. So my face stays neutral for now.

Girls are evil.

Gloria and Amber lift me upward and throw me into the lockers, I find my sense and start to run but Esther knocks me down once again I feel like a human pinball machine.

I half want a teacher to stroll by to get in their car and go home. But that would cause more trouble with them. Instead I hear:

"Get the hell away from her!"

Steven.

I've never been happier to see him, he's always around to save me. Amber, Gloria, and Esther see Steven making his way over here on a rampage in an ass kicking mood and run like bunnies. I do a silent victory dance in my head.

Steven helps me stand up. I hug him in gratitude and he hugs back. He buries his face in my neck and lets out a sigh. A sigh of relief? A sigh of gratitude? One can only assume. He pulls out and rubs my arms in a means of comfort.

"Are you alright?" He asks.

"I'm a little shaken up, but no physical damage was done." I reply.

"Jackie, they were trying to beat you up, are you sure you're okay?"

I nod my head and kiss him softly "Yeah, they didn't get too far with that. Thank you by the way, you saved me again." I stated as we walked out the door.

"When was the first time?" He asks.

"When you saved me from myself."

("The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.")

The drive back to the Pinciotti's is quiet except for the hum of the radio and purr of the car.

"How come you were there at the school?" I ask leaning my head on the cool window.

"We were supposed to meet in the parking lot remember?" Steven says.

We were?

"You didn't show up. I got worried, so I went looking for you." The car shakes as we go over a bump. I take my head off the window and rub the sore spot my temple where my head hit the glass.

I turn and smile at Steven "And have I mentioned how greatly appreciative of that I am?"

Steven grins onto the road and replies "Once or twice."

I smile and turn my head back to the road. It's one of those days. We haven't gotten yet and the air smells so good. The roads are dry and grass is frozen, waiting for the snow to wet it.

I feel Steven's hand crawl onto my thigh and rub the material with his thumb. I briefly take his hand, kiss his palm, and put it back on my thigh. The movement is soothing and lulling. Like a hot bath.

We haven't made love since that warm, October day. It's not as though we don't want to. God knows I need it. But we haven't had the time nor energy to endure it. We haven't the place either. We both sleep on a cot in our best friends house due to abandonment by our parents. We don't get many opportunities to be alone.

But I have a plan of my own. December 19th is the anniversary of our first kiss. 6 months. Half a year. It's a big thing for the both of us. I've taken some money out of my bank account and rented a cabin for a weekend. Plenty of alone time. I intend to surprise him. I'm betting he'll be happy about it. I know I'm excited.

Steven pulls up to Donna's house and gives me a short goodbye kiss. And by short I mean 7 minutes long. Hey, we both have needs, needs that haven't been answered in over 2 months. We're both dying.

I grab my backpack out of the back seat and wave him goodbye.

I step inside and approach a nervous looking Donna.

"What's going on?" I ask her.

"Jackie, don't get upset.: She's worrying me now. Donna heads into the kitchen. I follow. Sitting at the table is a perplexed looking Pam, a nervous Donna, and a bewildered Bob. I freeze. Surprisingly I'm not mad. I don't usually get mad anymore. I'm just shocked and confused. But I quickly get over it and approach Bob and Donna.

"I'm not upset." I tell them. Donna relaxes a bit.

"She just showed up." answers Bob.

I nod and tell them "I'll talk to her, could you leave us alone for awhile." Bob and Donna agree. Donna hugs me before she and Bob leave.

I inhale tiredly and turn back to my 'mother'. I sit down next to her any acknowledge her.

"Pam" I say, she sighs and folds her hands in her lap.

"I wish you would call me mother or mom. It's what I am after all."

"A mother is someone who's around her daughter for more than half her life."

I hear how bitter I sound and cringe inwardly. On the outside I sigh again and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

Pam looks to me and speaks "I'm here to apologize about how I acted, how I slapped you, it's just…."

"Just what mo- Pam?" My patience is growing thin.

"Jackie, just let me explain myself, would you let me talk?"

I look to the clock and to Pam "Yeah, I'll let you talk."

Inside my head I tell her that a mother shouldn't have to explain herself. If I say it outside it'll come out more bitchy and bitter than I want it to.

"I know, that I'm not the shining example of a good mother, or a mother at all. But after 17 years of your life, I'm afraid I still don't know how to be a mother. I didn't plan on having you Jackie, I didn't. For some people it's just not in their karma to have children, some people are fit for it and some people aren't. I know that I can't entirely blame that for bad parenting, but it's all I can come up with. I want you to know that I do love Jackie. That I am proud of you. When you told me you were raped, I honestly didn't know what to think. I reacted with whatever emotion that I recognized. I want to be a part of your life Jackie, I think if you give me a chance I can be a better mother. Can you let me?"

Damn. I wasn't expecting that, I was expecting something Pam-ish. She loves me, and as much as my reason tells me not to believe it, I do. I'm hopeless.

"Yes." I answer. I don't try to take it back, not yet at least. Pam smiles widely and hugs me gently.

"But" I say. "There are some things we have to change."

Pam nods. I continue.

"If you're gong to leave, I want notice about it, and you can't be gone too long, and take too many trips. Can you do that?"

Pam nods and head say "I can Jackie."

In my mind, I count the weeks until she leaves.

("We cannot learn without pain.")

It's 9 o clock and the snow falls freely upon my face. Landing gracefully into my hair, contrasting black against white. I walk across the newly fallen snow, making a crunching sound as I walk to the Forman'.

I step into the basement and see Steven watching T.V blankly. It's a ritual of ours I suppose. At some point I come over. What we do sometimes varies. I can tell he's sleepy. We both are, it's been a long day for us all. I plop myself next to him and snuggle deep into his chest, his arm naturally wraps around me.

"How you doing?" I ask.

He sighs and rubs my arm "Okay, you?"

I stare at the wall next to Steven and reply as casually as possible.

"My mom came to visit."

I feel Steven move and look at me. He raises an eyebrow and asks in a gruff voice. "What did she want?"

Steven had always been extra bitter about her after he learned she slapped me. He had dealt with his parents abandonment but never had his share of physical abuse.

"It was okay, she had this whole speech. She told me she loved me, she's sorry and that she thinks she could do a better job at being a mother if I gave her a second chance."

Steven wrapped his arm tighter around my shoulder and said "And what did you give her?"

I bit my lip and answered "Another chance."

Steven sighed and loosened his grip.

"Jackie, take it from me, you're only screwing yourself over if you let her back into your life. She's gonna leave again."

I bury my face into his shirt and inhaled, the smell comforting "I know that" I admitted "But it was nice to hear she loved me."

Steven agreed with a low moan.

"And I'm sure I'll be just as okay as I am now and when she leaves. But hey! Maybe she'll surprise us both and stay." I say with false optimism. Steven lets out a chuckle. "Fat chance" Sleep encrusted in his voice.

"A girl can dream." I respond with drowsiness and utter exhaustion.

"Stay here with me tonight." He whispers into my ear.

My body, numb in exhaustion agrees immediately and I tell Steven "Okay."

We both get up from the couch and I lean on Steven for support as I drunkenly walk to his cot.

Steven lends me some sweats and we change as quickly as our tired bodies let us.

Steven crawls in first and I step in and place my back to him. His arms rest on my stomach and pull me closer to him, our tired bodies entangling in each other. It's how we fall asleep, and it's what feels right.

("The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak.")

As I lazily crack open my eyes I adjust to the light and look to the clock, 8:30. Uck. It's a Sunday, why am I waking up this early. Steven's hot breath on my neck lull me back into a peaceful sleep. I don't fall back asleep peacefully. I just do this sort of half sleep thing. Where I'm kind of sleeping, but I know what's going on around me. At what I assumed was an hour later I felt Steven's hand resting on my hip slide to my stomach and rub along my ribs, subconsciously I moan in my half state of sleep and sigh when his hand tucks between my rib and the mattress,

When I open my eyes once more and glance at the clock I read 11:00. Knowing full well I couldn't fall back asleep I lift my hands and rub my eyes and clear out any sand that irritates my eyes. I look over my shoulder at Steven who is still sleeping. I roll over so that Steven is on his back and I place my head on his chest, placing little kisses on his neck, and sliding my hand under his white wife beater.

Steven moans and starts to wake up. I keep my hand under his shirt but stop the kisses and prop myself on my elbow to look at him. He sighs and opens his eyes.

"Hey." He says. Mmm, his sleepy voice is very sexy. Very gruff and throaty.

"Hey yourself." I lean down and kiss him gently, sliding my kisses over his cheeks, jaw, chin, and back to his mouth. He finally starts waking up and moves his hands to my hair and deepens it. I pull out of the kiss and ask him.

"What day is it?"

He scrunches his face up and says "Uhhh, Sunday the 13th."

I lift my hands and start to run it through his hair, slightly scratching his scalp with my nails. "Alright, so listen. I'm going to tell you this now, and ahead of time so listen up. Saturday the 19th is our anniversary of our first kiss. 6 months of being together. So I planned a little surprise this weekend coming up. Don't get me anything. I don't want anything, I just need you to be free and available this whole weekend alright?"

Steven looks at me blankly and smiles slightly "Whatever you want babe."

I smile brightly and kiss him once more. "Good."

"Has it really been 6 months?" He asks.

"Yeah, kinda scary huh?"

"Yeah." He agrees.

"But in a good way right?" I ask nervously.

He smiles and chuckles and wraps his arms around me "Yeah, in a good way."

("Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.")

"And so when Jane Eyre is in the Red Room, what does she feel. What does the Red Room represent."

Mr. Yaits drones on and on about things I don't really give a shit about while I wait impatiently for the bell to ring. I have an hour left, and it's Friday the 18th. I really don't think I'm going to make it, when suddenly WHAM! An idea pops into my head.

"Mr. Yaits, can I go to the nurse?"

He looks at me and asks "Is something wrong?"

"I really don't feel well. I think I'm going to be sick."

"Alright Jackie, I'll give you a pass."

I walk a little hunched over, and hold one hand to my stomach. Those acting classes in 6th grade actually did turn out useful. I walk like this 5 steps after leaving the class and stand up straight. I reach the nurse's office and resume my previous position. I step in, it's empty. Score.

"Mrs. Borealis?"

Mrs. Borealis walks out of the nurse's stockroom and has me sit on the cot.

"What's the matter Ms. Burkhardt? Where does it hurt?"

"I just really don't feel well, my stomach is all topsy turvy and my head hurts."

"Alright" She says. She takes out the thermometer and takes my temperature

"96.2 Ms. Burkhardt, you don't have a temperature."

"I know, I'm staying with the Pinciotto's right now and Bob had the same thing I have right now last week. I feel so tired, and I can't concentrate in class."

Mrs. Borealis feels my forehead and mutters "Poor dear" and then speaks in a louder voice "Alright, is there anyone at home I can call?"

"No, but Donna drives me to school everyday."

"Alright I'll call her out of her class."

Sweet, Donna is gonna love me.

"Jackie, I love you. Faking sick to get out of class is awesome. Especially on Friday."

I smile and step into the car.

"So why'd you do it?"

"Well, I know Steven usually skips his last class, and we're going away for the weekend for our anniversary so I was just really impatient."

Donna laughs and turns on the radio "Sweet."

We pull up in the driveway and I walk over to the Forman's. The snow is about half a foot deep, not much. But it makes things slippery, I almost fall twice.

I walk into the basement and see Steven.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey." he says confusedly. He checks his watch and looks back to me.

"What are you doing here? School doesn't let out for another 45 minutes."

I walk up and kiss him quickly "I know, I just needed to get out of there so I faked sick."

Steven sighs and places both hands on my shoulders "Jackie, that was wrong of you to do. Skipping school when you have such a promising future. I completely approve."

I laugh and slap him playfully on the chest.

"Alright, so the drive is pretty long. I was thinking we could take off now. Or do you have some things to take care of?"

The last part is encased in sarcasm. It doesn't seem to me like he's doing anything important.

"Meet me at the car, I have my stuff."

"Okay."

I walk out the door and get my stuff from Donna's and wait by the Camino.


End file.
